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Eugene Weekly : Savage Love : 2.10.11


Ive written before, but I didnt hear back from you ã probably because my e-mail didnt contain flogging or santorum or whatever. But I wont be IGNORED, Dan. Im a 32-year-old female. Second marriage, two kids: one kid with my ex and one with the man I cheated on my ex with (my current husband). My problem: A year ago, I found my "first love” on a social network. Id been looking for him off and on for more than 16 years. This person was a jerk who left me for one of my friends back in high school. But he was and still is the love of my life. Always has been. Always will be. He is not married, has never been married, and has no children. We began an affair about seven months after finding each other. My marriage, my second marriage, had been rocky before this. My second husband, of three years, stopped having sex with me after I became pregnant, and this continued after our child was born. We tried counseling. It didnt help. In no way am I using this as an excuse. I know what Ive done is wrong. But I also have a pretty bad track record and have cheated on every man Ive ever been with, except for my first love.

This man, my first love, is the worst person in the world for me. Yet Im in love with him. I have ALWAYS been in love with him. He wants me to leave my white-collar husband for him, a very blue-collar guy. I live in a nice home in the suburbs; my first love lives in a small apartment in the city. Five months after we began having sex with each other, my current husband found out. Instead of leaving me, he has turned into a different man: extremely loving and attentive. He says this experience has made him realize how much he loves me and that he doesnt want to lose me.

My other problem: I didnt begin this affair to get my second husbands attention. I began it because Im in love with my first love and always have been. My husband knows of my deep feelings for my "first.” I mention divorce often, but it falls on deaf ears. I want to do what is best for my kids ã and that would be staying right where I am. But I feel my only chance for "true” love, if there is such a thing, is passing me by. Ive never felt for anyone as I do for this man. Every man who has come into my life AFTER him knew about him and knew that if he ever came back for me, I was gone. This includes my current husband. Dan, pull out all the stops on this one, as you famously do, and please tell me what to do.

Serial Cheater In Love

Ive read what youve written before, SCIL, but I didnt respond because I didnt have much to say to you and I still dont. I had the same reaction reading your e-mail today that I had reading all the other e-mails youve sent. My reaction is a little selfish, and Im a little embarrassed to share it with you. But you keep pressing me, SCIL, and so here it is:


Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was cunty of me ã nowhere near the level of respectful professionalism that people expect of me ã and so now Im going to have to make amends by scrounging up some of that advice shit you're after. But Im going to offer you my advice on one condition: You dont write to me ever again.


You say youve cheated on every man youve ever been with, with the exception of your "first love,” SCIL. You seem to be engaged in a little circular reasoning/magical thinking here ã youve concluded that he must be the love of your life because you didnt cheat on him, and you didnt cheat on him because hes the love of your life. No. You didnt cheat on him, SCIL, because you didnt get around to it. You two broke up when you were 15 years old. If youd been with him a little longer, you wouldve cheated on him like youve cheated on everybody else.

If you leave your current husband and break up your first childs second home and your second childs first home, it wont be long before you get around to cheating on the love of your life, too. Because you're a cheater, SCIL, a habitual, serial cheater. you're precisely the kind of person who shouldnt make monogamous commitments.

Or get married. Or have children.

So what should you do? Stay? Go? Frankly, SCIL, I dont give a fuck what you do. Stay or go, its not going to make a fuck of a lot of difference. Your personal life is a mess, SCIL, and it always will be. Because, you see, wherever you go, there you are.

That said: If your current husband doesnt mind being cheated on, if he can put up with your affairs and wants to put your children first, then I think you should stay with him for the sake of your kids. They deserve whatever stability and continuity you can provide for them between infidelities. Again, if you leave your current husband for the love of your life, SCIL, it wont be long before you're cheating on your third husband and preparing to uproot your kids a third/second time. I know it, you know it, everyone out there reading this knows it, even your current husband seems to know it.

So just stay put, okay?



My girlfriend of two years, my first real relationship, broke up with me a month ago. Although I felt like shit for most of that month, we somehow managed to struggle through to a close friendship. I wouldnt say Im entirely over her, but I understand why it happened and that we wont be getting back together. All in all, Ive felt like weve both been pretty mature and things are going well.

The complication: We still find each other attractive and we work very well together sexually. So she proposed an FWB arrangement, and I said yes. We laid down ground rules ã we are not together, we are just friends who fuck, so no "I love you,” no commitments, no expectations ã and we started having hot sex. Is this foolhardy? We both know that Id prefer something more. So the question remains: Should we keep fucking?

Cant Recall Acronym Procedure

How are you going to feel when your ex-girlfriend/current-fuck-buddy finds a new boyfriend and ends your FWB arrangement? If you can honestly answer, "Ill be happy for her,” then keep fucking ã but dont forget to ask for your balls back when she dumps you that second time.

If you cant say that and you decide to keep fucking the ex anyway, CRAP, you wouldnt be the first lovesick dumpee who agreed to enter into an FWB arrangement with an ex. If the short-term rewards (all that hot sex) and the potential long-term payoff (getting back together) make the risk seem worthwhile, then keep fucking.


Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.