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A Plethora of Predictions

Shaggy dogs, claw-backs and suffering boehners

1. Hurricane Cassandra (aka “Sandy”) will again send advance warning of her return to the East Coast but no one will believe her.

2. Ice skating in hell will create new converts to the seriousness of climate change.

3. PERS retirees will be forced to wear a scarlet P on their chests, and retiring members in the private sector will be arrested for showing inadequate envy.

4. Walmart executives will lobby for a change to the U.S. Constitution – the part calling for “a more perfect union.”

5. John McCain and Lindsey Graham will hold up Kim Kardashian to Susan Rice as an example of someone who hides nothing from the public. 

6. Abraham Lincoln will return from the dead to kill vampire movies and drive a wooden stake through vampire concepts in economics and today’s Republican Party.

7. Talus slopes at the base of fiscal cliffs will pile up with the coprolites of political punditry. 

8. The baby thrown out with the bath water will be found.

9. Out of the ashes of the financial meltdown will emerge a new economy in which we buy only half as much junk from China.

10. Medical science will finally fill in Little Orphan Annie’s eyes.

11. Ten thousand doves of peace will fly over the war-torn Middle East, covering the wine dark sea of injustice, destruction and despair with a blanketing of white reconciliation. 

12. The SEC will require that all new economic proposals involving austerity be field tested in novels, plays and films.

13. Chip Kelly will only move to the pros on the condition that Phil Knight buys the team.

14. The Eugene City Council will vote unanimously to ship the city’s homeless to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, where “everything will be all right in the end, and if it’s not all right, it’s not the end.”

15. The average height of frontcourt players, centers and forwards in the NBA, will rise to 7 feet 8 inches, while the backcourt guard average will shrink to 4 feet 2 inches, causing the game to resemble croquet.

16. All shaggy dog stories will be clipped, shorn and their tales shortened to a point. 

17. Nate Silver will turn down a seven-figure signing bonus from an anonymous group (rhymes with oak) to “modulate” his polling in the next election.

18. Eugene weather report: Betty Taylor will reign and shine on the Eugene City Council for another four years, hail our civic liberties and continue to break through the clouds of darker minds. In a grand event, she will dub recent opponents from her own party “Knights of the Wrong Table.”

19. Political apostates in last year’s local skirmishes will be found letting the air out of their bicycle tires in order to improve their chances of making it across rapidly thinning ice.

20. A final attempt to privatize the Amazon Headwaters will fail when the genius loci rises from the waters to declare, “These are not Beverly Hills.”

21. The part of the villain, Mr. Sweet Potato Head in the eponymous movie, will be played by Sen. Mitch McConnell.

22. Anyone suffering a Boehner for more than four years will be sent to his doctor.

23. Sid Leiken will become so unique that he can’t be likened.

24. Jilted solar and wind power producers will demand sharp claw-backs of the price EWEB pays for power at the Seneca biomass plant. Their motto: “It’s not business, it’s just personal.”

25. A rebuilt and sustainable Eugene City Hall will rise, phoenix-like from its early modern bones and win new accolades for inspiring and transformative civic architecture. 

26. The EWEB building will become our River, Art and History Museum, where we will pay homage to the spiritual artery of our city, remember to remember ourselves, celebrate our art and rejoice in a restored Eugene Millrace.

27. The Federal Courthouse Garden idea will sink deeply into every mind where it will grow and spread its cornucopia of hope, food, tilth and justice on ever-fertile ground.

28. Scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider will predict the birth of a new element when the periodic table misses its period.

29. Desperate to rebuild circulation, the R-G will offer enough big bucks to break Don Bishoff’s pledge that “he will write no more forever.”

31. Those who make yearly predictions will be licensed and held to a much higher standard of accountability.

32. People who gave up walking for extended internet use will grow web feet.

33. In Kentucky and Missouri, rape will come in 31 legitimate flavors; and in Oregon, rapeseed DNA will force itself on the organic seed industry because God wants it that way.

34. Tea Party members of the U. S. House of Representatives will be thrown overboard into Boston Harbor.

35. We will finally receive an answer to our SETI signals sent out into space requesting more I Love Lucy.

Find last year's predictions (which all came true) at http://wkly.ws/1eo