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Lighten Up

October 30, 2014

Tip to Republicans in Congress: Before you give a woman enough name recognition to win a Senate seat from Massachusetts and become a political rock star, make sure she is a member of your own party. 

October 23, 2014

If you think that implied rights — the current state of women’s rights in Oregon — are equal to the express rights that Measure 89 would provide, ask your banker if he is willing to make you a loan on a handshake.

September 25, 2014

What’s the chance that the Eugene City Council will be able to find housing for the homeless when — after 16 years — it hasn’t been able to find housing for itself? 

August 13, 2014

I’m glad that the new UO Board of Trustees was keeping a close eye on ex-president Michael Gottfredson’s extraordinary contributions to the university for which he was given nearly $1 million in severance pay. Until it was reported that he had quit his job, I’d forgotten his name. 

July 23, 2014

Guys who make and discuss a list of people they don’t like — calling it “a bowl of dicks” — are wasting their time in campus police work. They should be on talk radio. Meanwhile, the three Republican county commissioners must be feeling pretty frisky as they try to extend their authority over Eugene to block legislation they don’t like. Think of Putin without the tanks.

July 3, 2014

A question to the 5-4 U.S. Supreme Court: Tell us again why corporations can avoid paying for contraception in their health-care plans if doing so would violate their sincerely held religious beliefs, but we mortals cannot avoid paying taxes to finance wars that violate ours?

June 26, 2014

Those blacked-out pages that the Lane County commissioners and the UO folks have been providing in response to public record requests may appear to be worthless, but they are great for covering ass. 

June 5, 2014

The city is spending a lot of money to see what happens if it shuts down two of the four travel lanes on South Willamette and adds bike lanes on the outer edges. Motorists turning right would need to cross a bike lane, thereby setting up a risky auto/bike dance. One result is likely to be a hike in insurance premiums. But what are the mysterious unmet needs this plan is trying to address? If I had to guess, it would be: 1) Motorists want more than a shopping experience along South Willamette. They also want a memorable driving experience.

May 22, 2014

After Oklahoma botched an execution using lethal injection, at least one other state is thinking about bringing back the firing squad. That might actually be a step forward if juries that impose the death penalty are required to serve as members of the squad.

May 8, 2014

Any driverless car Google develops that successfully navigates city streets while avoiding jaywalkers, weaving bicyclists, distracted drivers and loose animals, is qualified to be president.

April 24, 2014

If you are going to create a monopoly on beverage sales at the UO, Bigfoot is the right name for the company to run it.

April 10, 2014

The Eugene City Council won’t be nominated for a Mother Teresa award this year. A few days ago the city tore down a functioning homeless camp — before having an alternative site available — and dumped the camp’s desperate residents on the street. The technical term for the thinking behind such a move is DUMB, DUMB, DUMB. Don’t we already get enough dumb from the Supreme Court? 

April 3, 2014

Eugene City Councilor Chris Pryor claims that for purposes of city aid there are the people homeless by circumstances and people homeless by choice. The first group deserves some city help, as long as it costs no money. The second group does not deserve the time of day, and as the theory goes, they are not technically homeless. Its members have chosen to sleep in doorways and under bridges in rain and snow — presumably, for the hell of it.

March 20, 2014

Bank robbery photos are pretty bad. You would never want to frame one.

March 6, 2014

Opponents of gay marriage are trying to get a measure before Oregon voters that would allow florists, photographers and bakers to refuse to provide goods or services for same-sex weddings. Supporters say that providing these things to such events would violate their members’ “deeply held religious beliefs.” I’m wondering what religion would cast a person into hell for baking a cake.

February 27, 2014

Perhaps the best news coming out of the just-released auditor’s report on the shenanigans in Lane County government is that the Republicans on the Board of County Commissioners acted more like Sarah Palin than like Chris Christie.

February 20, 2014

The latest Republican charge against Obamacare is that it will make people lazy. That’s speculation. What we already know is that just the thought of Obamacare has made conservatives crazy.

January 23, 2014

Those who think the city has no plan for dealing with the Whoville homeless camp are wrong. The city has a well-thought-out plan. Step one is to let the camp operate for several months while keeping an eye on it. If only a few problems show up, close the camp down. For best results, close it before there is an alternative site available. This way 50 homeless people get dumped onto the downtown streets where they can get busy actually creating some problems. The beauty of it would impress Chris Christie.

January 16, 2014

If the reason the Lane County commissioners are not releasing the Richardson report is to avoid lawsuits, what are they calling the court proceedings filed over the report first by the local paper and now by former commissioner Bill Fleenor?

January 9, 2014

Humor is everywhere. This came from a church bulletin: “The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.”

January 2, 2014

Looking for a needle in a haystack is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Are you listening, NSA? 

December 26, 2013

I read that some countries are switching to plastic money. It’s about time. The stuff people will spend it on has been made out of plastic for years.

December 19, 2013

Rush Limbaugh’s calling Pope Francis a Marxist for criticizing capitalism is no big deal. That’s just Rush getting bent out of shape when he feels someone has attacked his religion.

December 12, 2013

After this past weekend, I’m glad that most folks in the climate-change movement have stopped referring to it as global warming.