By Sadie Gustavson
There are some questions that have plagued me over the years, as an occasional pot smoker and an interrogator of life’s questions: What even is a weed strain? Are they different? Is Dogwalker OG really going to make me feel more euphoric, sedated or elated than Blueberry Muffin, or is it all just the same plant? How do I pick?
Over the last week, I took on Eugene Weekly’s most distinguished honor as a newly seasoned reporting intern: smoking copious amounts of weed in search of the best strains in the city so you don’t have to. I am by no means an expert, but I took to several of Eugene’s finest dispensaries to see what I could find.
With the help of my stoner friends — let’s call them Jaymo and Mil — to share the load, I summarize my findings by several distinct measures: aromatic qualities, visual appeal, taste and experience of the high.
Grease Monkey by Grown Rogue: New Millennium
My first stop was my neighborhood dispensary, New Millennium, on 2893 Oak Street. Walking into a dispensary and being bombarded with names like Grapefruit Diesel, Lemon Amnesia, Unicorn Biscuits and Baby Yoda always requires the helping hand of a friendly budtender.
So I asked my friendly budtender, Ash Sewalelot, to give me the worst strain she had. With little hesitation she hands me Grease Monkey, a strain on sale for $50 an ounce. The label says Grease Monkey will make me feel “relaxed” and “euphoric.”
Visually, the strain is not threatening but underwhelming — the buds are smaller than my fingernail. The smell is slightly reminiscent of sewer water, with a tinge of citrus to brighten up my sensory experience. This strain left me incapacitated with no personality. No creativity. Nothing to say. It’s an unmade bed. A depression nap with the blinds halfway drawn because they’ve been broken for months. A trip to 7-Eleven at 3 am to buy munchies for dinner.
Alaskan Thunder Fuck by Thunder Farms: New Millennium
Smelling Alaskan Thunder Fuck strain ($12 a gram) instantly brought me back to memories of smelling those scented permanent markers that you use in elementary school. A slight Sharpie fragrance but with a refreshing sweetness. Mil takes a sniff. “It smells like if you were chewing gum and blew out into your nose and sniffed it while walking into a freshly painted room,” they say. “While smoking a spliff,” Jaymo adds.
This is a strain that you smoke while getting a beer with your co-workers after a long day. There are lulls in the conversation as you sit in mutual silence and exhaustion. It makes you feel slightly dissociated and on edge, like itching a pesky bug bite. It’s not horrible. There’s a nostalgia to it, but it’s not the best.
Jack Herer by Chalice Farms: Animal House
This strain from Belushi’s Animal House Dispensary, located at 588 East 11th Avenue, is named after cannabis legalization advocate Jack Herer, often referred to as the “emperor of hemp” in the weed community.
We examine the strain. “I’m anticipating this one to be aggressive,” says Mil, taking in the Jack Herer’s smell and orange color ($14 a gram).
Imagine you wake up in the morning on the fourth and final day of a camping trip. You had a great few days but your camp is dirty and plagued with dishes, beer cans, smelly laundry and piles of unorganized gear. You and your camping buddy look at each other knowing you have to brace the day and clean up, but first you smoke this strain.
Despite hesitation, Jack Herer surprised us. “I feel like I should be smoking this out of a wooden pipe right now,” Jaymo says. It’s a strain that would be enjoyed best alongside a glass of a dry red wine or a hot coffee. I would smoke this weed with Charlie Brown as I caught him up on the politics of the modern world. No matter what your state of mind, after enjoying Jack Herer you feel inspired and reminiscent of fond memories.
Amnesia Haze by ABC Cannabis: Snugz Dispensary
The next stop was Snugz Dispensary, a little weed-ery tucked away at 1235 Railroad Boulevard. The blank facade and discrete location made me a little apprehensive walking in, but when I opened the doors and saw The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers playing on the TV, I instantly felt at ease.
The budtender pulls a strain from the bottom shelf to show me under the microscope and says that it’s four years old. The label on the Amnesia Haze canister ($1.20 a gram) says this strain was harvested in November 2020. It smells like the cinnamon, oregano and star anise that have been sitting in the back of a spice cabinet for years. It looks like that piece of food that has been stuck in your oven for weeks, getting baked over and over again.
I didn’t expect much from this aged strain, and didn’t get much in return. I would smoke this weed shamefully with Bojack Horseman as we commiserate and regret our life’s choices. It’s a strain that you smoke because you find a nug hidden in the bottom of an old box in the basement and you’re too lazy to go out and get something better. Maybe the strain had something to offer fresh from the harvest, but now it’s a washed-up has-been.
Strawberry Papaya by Gaia’s Ganja Garden: Snugz Dispensary
Strawberry Papaya ($9.60 gram), the most inviting strain of the bunch, lives up to its name with a bright and fruity fragrance. If there was a fruit smoothie that smelled like this strain, I would most definitely drink it and then pass it around to my friends for them to try. It’s visually appealing as well, with sparkles that glisten in the sunlight.
Strawberry Papaya makes you feel relaxed and ready to curl up in bed with a steaming cup of chamomile tea and your latest fiction novel. Your worries about your responsibilities for the next day fade away as you let yourself enjoy a relaxing evening.
Yeti Gelato by 5150 Cannabis: New Millennium
As soon as I looked at Yeti Gelato ( between $14 and $12 per gram) I knew I was in for a treat. The nugs are soft, yet pungent with the scent of lemons and flowers. “If they let me sniff that at the dispo, I would say ‘Yes, that one,’” Mli says.
This is a strain that you smoke on a Eugene summer day, in a hammock on your porch with good friends, old and new. You pass Yeti Gelato around as you close in on one of the last sunny days before months of rain. “The sun is shining, there’s lemonade out, and everyone is smiling and laughing. I can see it clear as day” Jaymo says.
Perhaps there is a difference when it comes to weed strains, but choosing the best strain for you is subjective. A strain that smells like toxic waste to one nose may smell like flowers to another. Whether you’re looking for a strain to puff-puff pass around with pot-loving friends or enjoy in solitude for a night of deep sea documentaries, there’s a nug for you out there somewhere.