By Laura Ray

You might think that a Black man, raising two Black daughters, would not have many words of hope or optimism to share with an audience at the University of Oregon just two days after the 2024 presidential election. As I arrived on campus last fall for the author’s talk, the shock and division post-election was definitely still raw in the room.

Yet faith in a more kind country is what inspires Shola Richards to speak to crowds and write books sharing his life experience and advice, and he delivered on that even right after the election results. If you want practical tips for how to engage in difficult conversations with kindness, and how to remove yourself from situations devoid of respect, I urge you to read Civil Unity: The Radical Path to Transform Our Discourse, Our Lives, and Our World. 

In the book, Richards asks which level of respect you are currently at: basic (using common courtesy like saying please), intermediate (being inclusive, actively listening and self-aware), or advanced skills (speaking up against hate, honoring boundaries and disagreeing without disrespect). 

While I bet we’d all love to say that we’re at the advanced level, reading the list of examples showed me that I am perhaps at intermediate (on a good day). The book includes vulnerable examples from Richards’ life, and crucial tips for increasing your level of respect and civility in everyday life.

Richards makes clear that there is a distinct difference between being “nice” and being “kind.” Being nice means being too polite to give someone honest feedback that might actually help them — like never speaking up with a close friend when you know they continue to be self-destructive. Being kind means being honest and respectful in our communications, even when we disagree with someone — like having a conversation about racism that doesn’t implode, with someone who has different opinions than you do. 

As Richards writes, “The civility that I’m advocating for has little to do with good manners and common courtesy. It’s about the hard and uncommon work required to create the space for potential change to happen.”

Creating this space for change is possible, and Richards shows us how by sharing dozens of interventions, or daily strategies. One example is the “six-and-six rule.” If you are worrying about something, Richards advises that you ask, “Will this situation likely have a large impact on my life six months from now?” 

If no, take six minutes or less to dwell on the situation. If the answer is yes, figure out what is in your control to improve the situation and then get to it! Even if I don’t see how something will directly impact my life in six months’ time — for example, immigration and border control — I might still feel strongly about trying to improve how others will be impacted, and I can help in my own way but not fall into endless worrying.

Richards shows how we are all susceptible to believing false information — the challenge we face is not just how to engage civilly with those on “the other side,” but how to think critically and with humility so that we can better seek out and discuss the truth. Several pages are filled with tools to think critically, including how to recognize logical fallacies. So when I’m talking with my teenage son and he makes an outlandish statement, I can ask him Richards’ simple question: “How do you know that?” Then I see if he provides any supporting evidence or new information.

I am eager to “level up” in my civility rating, and you will be, too, once you read Civil Unity. We can strengthen our ability to stay calm and centered when faced with viewpoints that seem diametrically opposed to our own. We can practice seeing someone from another political party as a human, and feel curious about what experiences in their life have led them to hold fast to their beliefs, like we each hold fast to our own. Civil Unity lays out examples of conversations over highly contentious issues — gun control and abortion — and shows how we can treat the other person with respect, and have standards for our own respect, while having thoughtful debate to uncover kernels of common ground.

This is by no means easy work. Yet I cling to the hope that Richards shares with readers and audiences around the world: We can lean toward kindness and respect rather than devolving into hatred and division. And that can truly transform our world.

Civil Unity: The Radical Path to Transform Our Discourse, Our Lives and Our World (2024 Forbes Books) is available at SholaRichards.com/civil-unity and via local booksellers. 

Laura Ray lives in Eugene with her husband and teenage son. She works at the University of Oregon supporting the Resource Assistance for Rural Environments (RARE) AmeriCorps Program.