Jerry’s Predictions 2013

Weiners, losers and sheep guts ahead

And it is written that:

More and more polytheistic people will worship the plastic goddess Polly.

Concealed whistle checks will be required for all government workers. And on the stand, the U.S. government will, instead of taking the Fifth, continue to take the Fourth.

The NSA will create a vast meta-database of toilet flushes, mega-clip newspaper predictions, adopt Snoopy as its mascot and tag X-Box rats in recycled data dumps.

Antonin Scalia will fail to find himself mentioned in the original document, find no precedent for his existence, have nothing to interpret and with no further purpose, become supremely resigned.

Thousands of volunteers will join in the march against free will.

Men who try to exercise control over women’s bodies will get increasingly limited access to — and much less exercise over — women’s bodies.

Facebook will become the best-kept novel in the Middle Kingdom.

In China, it would be wise to avoid: He said, Xi said.

Sawmill owners, used to sawing what they see, and seeing what they saw, will miss sawing the forest for the trees.

The crash-test dummies union will break a few legs and bang some sense into its members.

The U.S.-Mexican border fence will grow cancerously into our Maginot Wall. In time, tourists will come from China, England and all over the world to walk around our wall.

In the Republican House, a congress of in-closet, ex-prestidigitators will conjure a Dream Act out of The Tan Man’s hat. And X-Men will become X-People.

Mitch McConnell will have to choose between becoming the poster boy for KFP, Kentucky Fried Prunes, or the man who was turned down by Obamacare.

Anthony Weiner will buy the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile and open a national chain of junk shops, while Eliot Spitzer continues his struggle to rise up from the Ashley. On the radio, Carlos Danger will sex up the adventures of Guy Noir.

Pilots at airports will be asked by the TSA to remove their shoes to detect whether they have two left feet.

Climate change effects on predictions will precipitate a scudding cumulus of cloudy visions, stir up strong winds of irony, twist the knickers of sarcasm, pelt rain on truth and cause Visuvian and tsunamic disturbances to sheep entrails. Advanced prognosticators will be forced to rely on satellite, tealeaf readings of the Sargasso Sea.

Rep. Peter DeFazio will propose a Noah Tree Trust that preserves two of each old-growth related species. Sen. Ron Wyden will cut the BLM baby in one over no. 2. Both will look the other way as the Endangered Species Act becomes increasingly endangered.

The Oregon Forest Practices Act will fail to get its act together. And after a Shakespearian Act III, we’ll all go home.

The notorious Area 51 will at last be opened to the public as Disney Weird.

Hard-right propaganda will vanish into its black hole singularity of no.

A baby girl thrown out with the bathwater will survive to rise up to become the wise old woman whose irresistible spiritual presence transforms Tea Party reactionary ways into a tea ceremony of empathy, grace and compassion.

Financial genealogists will falsify the family trees of derivatives while hedge fund futures turn to topiary.

An emperor-has-no-clothes headline will adjure: It’s the Utility Poles Stupid! That block cars, bikes, people and the magnificence of Spencer Butte. And: That mining camp look is oh so 1880s! Down With UP!

Smart meters will broadcast digital billet doux to Kathy Ging.

Art Robinson will collect so much urine at his Cave Creek lab that he will be unable to hold it.

And “Shoeless Phil Knight’s” ghost will haunt the deal for Civic Stadium.

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