Weed Out Your Strain

Know thyself when searching for the perfect high

Kermit and I may have broken up, but that doesn’t mean he stopped hooking me up with the green stuff. In our June Cannabis issue, EW promised to “investigate (smoke) a range of strains, noting their particular effects on brain and body” — all provided by Kermit, our go-to producer of medical marijuana.

In classic stoner style, EW smoked and forgot about it. And moi, EW’s most expensive and sophisticated writer, took the reins in classic Miss Piggy style, because as of Oct. 1, anyone over 21 with a valid ID can purchase up to a quarter-ounce of marijuana at medical dispensaries (see “Rolling It Out,” 9/24, for all the details).

Kermie wanted me to remind you of the most important thing when searching for a perfect high: Know thyself. Are you a jittery little froggy like Kermit? You’ll probably want to try the Indica strain, generally associated with gentler, more relaxing highs.

Or are you an invincible Wonder Woman like moiself? Steer towards the Sativa strain, which gives a more uplifting, energetic high and promotes imagination — not that I need any help.

But maybe you’re more of an idiot like Fozzie Bear, who can smoke anything and still not be funny, in which case, you don’t need me, you need a professional. Bah! I tease. Try a hybrid of the two.

On Kermit’s menu first is Alion Hybrid, aka “Snoop’s Cut,” a combo of Master Kush, Blue Dream and Alien Kush with 75 percent Indica plant and 25 percent Sativa — meant to produce a “psychoactive euphoria,” according to notes from Kermit, followed by a sedative body high. Kermie is not so sure about that euphoria, which is why he prefers Orange Skunk or Grand Daddy Purps. Skunk gives a floaty, frothy high, like “smoking clouds” — the high is mild and tender and sweet, like the frogman himself. For those tougher showbiz days, Kermit goes straight to the Purps, the classic strain that melts your face and helps you sleep and eat — god knows he needs to gain weight.

On to me, finally, and my Sativa-dominant strains! Jack Herer, a strain named after the late “Emperor of Hemp,” is a splice of Northern Lights and Shiva Skunk. Some say it’s too strong, but not for formidable me. I found it blissful, beautiful and light and … and … I forget. Moving on to Blue Dream, a Blueberry and Haze hybrid. I like to smoke this in the makeup chair when I’m practicing lines; it’s cerebral but lucid, and gives you a little jolt in the morning.

But my ultimate everyday sticky icky is CBD Kush. It’s like swimming in a warm pool — mellow, relaxing and helps diffuse pain and spasms. Thank god for Kush after teetering in these heels all day.

We can’t all be Wonder Woman, so remember, smoke and consume responsibly and educate yourself.