All the News Unfit to Print

Eugene Weekly Joins Grindr, Tinder, JSwipe, Christian Mingle, In Desperate Attempt To Attract Readers 

The pathetic lefty rag has reached an embarrassing new low. In a transparent, clumsy attempt to increase readership and gain attention, EW has signed up on a handful of dating apps, swiping right on anything with a pulse and eyes that can read. Users have publicly complained of being pestered with questions from EW via private message like: “Why don’t you love me?”; “Can you at least pick up a paper from the red box to make it look like people are reading me?”; “So, you’re saying self-righteousness isn’t attractive?”  

Photo credit Doug Hankin

Eugene Designated ‘Best City For Hippies To Come  To Die’ By Obscure Real Estate Blog

For the fifth time this year, a previously unknown real estate company has issued a press release on its blog filled with photos swiped from local Flicker feeds, and some photos that are not actually of Eugene at all, but that feature hippies and waterfalls. Eugene has been designated the “Best City for Hippies to Come to Die” by Mayor Kitty Piercy and citizens across the town are posting the blog on social media with great excitement. Area resident Dennis Greatlove, whose photo of people with dreadlocks taken at the Saturday Market was used without his permission in the post, says a groovy death is exactly what drew him to Eugene.  

Photo credit Andrew Wendt

Lane County Commissioners Vote to Log All County Parks to Generate Funds for Sheriffs’ Office

Mount Pisgah is going to get a trim this spring. Lane County Commissioners say that a little clearcutting on county lands could mean a lot of money for the county jail.

In a 4-2 vote earlier this week the Lane County Board of Commissioners voted to log all county parks, including Howard Buford Recreation Area, home to a popular hike to the top of Mount Pisgah and to the arboretum.

The clearcutting will generate jobs for Lane County residents, Commissioner Faye Stewart said after the vote, and the logs can be sold to generate much-needed funding for jail beds and sheriffs’ patrols. He told conservation group Oregon Wild, which showed up to the meeting to protest, that clearcutting is actually good for the forest. Stewart added that he thinks the view from the top of Pisgah will be “much better without all those trees.”

Commissioner Pete Sorenson was the lone vote against the logging, calling it a “bad idea.” He said that didn’t think the plan to helicopter spray the arboretum with pesticides after the clearcutting would be a draw for the area as a wedding venue.   

Eugene Teams Up with the Army Corps to Solve the Homeless Problem 

After years of wrestling with the “homeless problem,” Eugene has created a unique plan to deal with the area’s unhoused. It has purchased an island in Fern Ridge Reservoir previously constructed as bird habitat and will relocate all people that look or act homeless in the city limits to the island.

“Even with those cute little tiny houses they keep building for them,” Eugene resident John Smith, tells EW, “nobody wants these folks in our backyards.” He asks, “I mean, who wants to be reminded we could all lose our jobs and wind up on the streets someday?”

Smith learned about a failed Army Corps of Engineers plan to relocate Caspian terns, a seabird species that feasts on Columbia River salmon, to Fern Ridge Reservoir. The Corps built a square island out of rocks and gravel there to lure terns flying overhead to hang out in Lane County instead.

“There’s never anything there except plastic bird decoys,” Smith says. He formed No Indigents in My Backyard to broker the deal between the city and the Army Corps. “So I decided, ‘Let’s pitch some tents and put this island to work.’”

The innovative project put together by Eugene, the Corps and NIMBY will recruit members of the Downtown Guides (aka the Red Hats) to paddle out to the island once a week with supplies. In the dry season when the reservoir is low, members of the Eugene police bike patrol will peddle out to the island with supplies, ensuring the project has a low carbon footprint.

The Eugene City Council voted 6-2 in favor of the proposal, but not everyone is as excited as Smith. Councilor George Brown who voted against it stumbled out of the meeting looking shell-shocked and mumbling, “I just can’t take it anymore.” He added, “This bullshit is for the birds, literally.”    

Shelton-McMurphey-Johnson House To Become Giant  Marijuana Retail Dispensary

Its days as a historical landmark are over. Skinner’s Budz LLC struck a landmark deal with the city of Eugene March 16 when it purchased Shelton-McMurphey-Johnson House, the Victorian-era mansion that sits at the base of Skinner Butte.

“What else would you do with a giant, green house?” says Skinner’s Budz CEO Jeff Hollings. “With the startling lack of pot retail spots around town, this seemed like a shrewd business decision.”

Hollings says he plans to redesign the front of the three-story mansion to resemble a multi-level bong. He says  historical preservationists should “chill and go with it.”

A spokesperson with the city of Eugene says that “basically we just caved to the loads of money they were literally throwing at us.” Hollings was awarded a MUPTE to renovate the historic building, because he promised to turn the third floor into a series of tiny studio apartments.  

Food Cart Opening Second Location, Decried for Corporate Greed

Pumpernickel Starfish, an Austrian-Alaskan-Austrian food cart in downtown Eugene, is opening a second cart in the Whiteaker neighborhood, exhibiting corporate growth that the Eugene community finds absolutely unacceptable.

“I can’t believe that Pumpernickel Starfish, an eatery that professes to care about being local, would stoop so low as to turn itself into some kind of sacrilegious chain,” says Wanda Ratcliffe, an impassioned foodie and locavore.

“I just feel sorry for the other Austrian-Alaskan-Austrian fusion food carts in that neighborhood — I don’t think they will be able to take the competition. How could a business show such disrespect for its community by growing so out of proportion?”

“It’s a dick move,” says Rock Schmeckler, owner of an Austrian-Alaskan-Austrian food cart — Austro-Hungry Hungry Hippos — already in the Whit.

Local food activists plan to sage a protest at Pumpernickel Starfish’s original location as well as complain in all caps on Facebook.  

Open Season Declared on Eugene Homeless

Responding to outrage from homeless advocates over the new security fencing that has barred public access beneath the Washington-Jefferson Street Bridge, the city of Eugene is proposing to allow homeless folk back into the fenced-off areas — if they will agree to be hunted as game.

“It’s an innovative solution,” says parks employee Theodore Nugent, who explains that the city is instituting a pay-to-play system in which law-abiding citizens will pay a fee to hunt itinerants inside the fences. “This is a win-win,” Nugent adds. “The city can offset the cost of the fencing by charging admission to hunt degenerates and meth heads and such — $25 for 10 minutes with a crossbow — and we’re also addressing our homeless crisis in a proactive manner.”   

New Whiteaker Board Cancels Block Party, Declares Gentrification ‘A Good Thing’

In a stunning political coup, a high-powered group of Realtors and developers stormed the March 30 general meeting of the Whiteaker Community Council (WCC) and declared themselves “supreme rulers” of Eugene’s most embattled neighborhood.

“Really, this is just a formality,” said real estate agent Jerry Gipper, who led the overthrow. “We’ve been doing what we want for a long time. It’s no secret we’ve been running things since the Whit stopped being ‘Felony Flats,’” Gipper added, referring to the neighborhood’s sordid past as a destination for hard drugs, loose sex and unseemly punk rock.

Unseated WCC president Sam Hahn, who suffered minor injuries during the coup, said the Realtors had obviously been emboldened by the rise of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. “This is a bad sign,” Hahn said, wiping a tear from his eye. “These assholes are going to turn the Whit into a fascist amusement park for drunk Trumpies.”

Eager to plant its flag, the new WCC board immediately passed a resolution declaring gentrification “a good thing” before unveiling plans for a multi-story parking lot to be built at the southeast corner of 4th and Blair. The board also cancelled the Whiteaker Block Party.

“Enough is enough,” Gipper said. “Let them eat kale.”  

Phil Knight Endows DICK

Nike co-founder Phil Knight on Monday donated $3.6 million to the creation of the Duck Institute for Cultural Knowledge (DICK), a new learning center at the University of Oregon that will be devoted to teaching student-athletes about the importance of student-athletes in Eugene.

“This is part of a two-pronged approach in bolstering athletic support and self-esteem,” Nike spokesman Willie Potter said Tuesday by phone. “We want to show our Ducks that, regardless of all the annoying lawsuits and sex controversies, they really should consider themselves pillars of the community. That’s what DICK is all about.”

According to Nike insiders, the erection of DICK will be followed, in 2019, by the construction of another student-athlete facility called the Entitled Athlete Temporary Sanctuary and Headquarters in Tillamook [EATSHIT], a coastal retreat where athletes suffering legal or academic difficulties can chill out until things blow over and they’re able to rejoin their teams.  

Mayor To Give Tech N9ne Key To City, Hood Expected To Go Crazy

On the eve of his 9,999th performance in May at McDonald Theatre, Mayor Kitty Piercy will present rapper Tech N9ne with a key to the city of Eugene. “Well, it’s actually a key fob,” a city spokesman says. “So Mr. N9ne can just swipe and go.”

McDonald Theatre regulars Yonder Mountain String Band and Dark Star Orchestra threw shade on Twitter, saying they deserved the key, but N9ne fired back: “So fragile? Talk to me when you get to 9999. #keyclub.”

The mayor says the excitement in Eugene is palpable. “White girls go crazy; black girls go crazy,” Piercy says. “College girls go crazy.”  

Eugene Officially Takes Itself Very Seriously

The mayor and City Council, as well as the Human Rights Commission, officially declared that jokes, humor, satire, sarcasm, and irony would no longer be accepted within the city limits.

There are just too many people to potentially offend, says Mayor Kitty Piercy, ticking off a list including hippies, Choco hippies, trustafarians, burnouts, burners, hipsters, conservatives, timber barons, faeries, Fair family, Ducks fanatics, travelers (of the jet-set and streetwise variety), bros, basic bitches, enviros, techies, programmers, developers (the preferred nomenclature is “selfless building-givers”), UO administrators, larpers, outcasts, crusties, gutter punks, deadheads, meth heads, burlesque dancers, Nia dancers, Wiccans, men with beards, men without beards, women with or without beards, steampunks, your boyfriend’s band, old-timey folks, Bi-Mart cardholders, mead makers, the brewery brotherhood, people who wear sweatpants to Safeway, people who wear sweatpants everywhere, people who bike on the sidewalk, Kinfolk readers, crystal healers and Oakway shoppers.

The mayor also says they’re looking into banning “sideways glances and smirking,” but must first form a committee to be sure.  

More super special edition exclusives

KOCH BROTHERS DONATE $10 Billion to “West 11th Highway”; Industrialists strike back at EmX, say a super highway is ‘more patriotic’ than ‘commy’ public transportation

MISINFORMED ‘GLAMPERS’ show up at local tent city, confusion ensues

AREA MAN EYE-ROLLED out of local co-op after forgetting to bring own bag

CITY MANAGER RECOMMENDS Kickstarter to raise funds for City Hall

IN 6-2 VOTE, City Council OKs apartments, MUPTE, for Spencer Butte summit

LANE COUNTY COMMISSIONERS vote to log all county parks to generate funds for sheriffs’ office

LOCAL BREWERY RELEASES 10,000 IBU Hop Holocaust IPA to raised eyebrows, prompting bitter response; it was mostly a matter of taste

CITY MANAGER DECLARES ‘City Manager Day,’ City Council loves it

CITY ADMITS ENVISION EUGENE merely a ‘vision,’ pronounces riverfront ‘good enough’

EUGENE POLICE DEPARTMENT confirms bike theft as cycular problem, recommends storing bike safely in car trunk while in use

REGISTER-GUARD PRINTS blank paper after entire day passes without crime

EUGENE-AREA ENERGY HEALER accidentally activates ancient gemstone, releases plague, and yes it’s bubonic

UO FRESHMAN ‘CAN’T EVEN,’ collapses on ‘seriously too long’ walk to Whiteaker; Aw-Shucks van picks him up

LOCAL PLAYWRIGHT PENS hit musical after observing a turkey gang rumble with a nutria gang in South Eugene