For this first issue of Eugene Guillotine, the new owners of the paper have asked me to dispense with our previous liberally biased Slant column and address an issue that many readers have been concerned with: Sinclair Broadcasting and its so-called called “news monopoly” in town.

While some might bemoan Sinclair in some sort of “conspiracy theory” about the “right wing,” Eugene Guillotine feels this media “empire” deserves a closer look.

Put it simply: Sinclair is awesome! And simmer down, folks; Sinclair doesn’t really own both KMTR and KVAL. Sinclair owns KVAL and runs KMTR through a “shared services” agreement that allows the stations to save money and avoid some potentially pesky Federal Communications Commission (FCC) ownership policies.

Not only that, but with nearly identical websites you don’t have to stress out about navigating news sites that look “different.”

Put away your conspiracy theories and look at Sinclair with an open mind. You might as well, since it’s about to control 72 percent of television stations across the country. That means 72 percent of your television news viewing won’t be infected by liberal media bias and fake news, because Sinclair doesn’t just supply news. It’s a “content provider.”

In an era where underfunded newsrooms don’t have the staff to cover stories in depth, Sinclair has solved that problem by simply supplying “content” to its stations, such as pithy and useful commentary from Boris Epshteyn, an advisor to Trump’s 2016 election campaign. (Sure, he’s Russian, but don’t let the liberal “media” let you believe that means anything).

So stop being so smug, turn on the TV, kick back and enjoy all the fabulous new media. It’s a whole different world out there! Sometimes you just need to enjoy the Kool-Aid. ■

Editor’s note: This is satire, but satire can hit close to home, so check out this story on Sinclair.