by Darren Reiley

We all see it, I think — the shortening of tempers, the decline in general civility, the quickness to cancel or dismiss. The cracks, like dirt in a desert, seem to continue widening between us politically and interpersonally, thirsty for a new season.

In my work as a conflict resolution professional, I see it all the time. I see neighbors in conflict over all the usual disputes — the barking dog, the encroaching vegetation, the property line — but lately it seems easier for people to believe the absolute worst of each other. 

I see family members breaking ties. I see the new weight educators and school administrators carry as they navigate the intense scrutiny and imminent potential for doxing on social media with the barest hint of partisan bias. One need only join a school board meeting to witness the tapping foot of the public waiting for an opportunity to attack. And please, don’t hear me wrong — this is certainly an outgrowth of a very necessary and important increase in a sense of accountability to which we hold those in public service. (The funny thing about accountability, of course, is that we’re usually mostly interested in other peoples’.) 

As a practice, I try to take the long and non-binary view of this breakdown in civility. Where I see that perennial suspicion of those who don’t share our politics or identity markers, I also see the growing pains of identities expanding to include a broader family. When I see anxiety and compassion fatigue, the tricky unconscious belief that knowing about all the ills of the world makes us responsible for them, I also see an unprecedented age of connectedness. 

I work for a small but mighty Dispute Resolution Center that specializes in community and family mediation, restorative justice and conflict education. Our job is not only to face and engage with these sharpening barbs of conflict, but to help others face and engage them as well. That may seem even more exhausting than just facing and engaging with them ourselves, but paradoxically, it helps my own compassion levels to try to help others find theirs. 

And here’s where a trite and outworn conversation about the disheartening divisions we all see turns toward solutions — we have help.

In my 22 years of working with nonprofits and schools in the area of conflict resolution — and conflict resolution education — I’ve been deeply blessed with some incredible teachers. When I’m feeling disheartened by the state of the world, I think of “The Arch,” Desmond Tutu, whom I once saw dance in front of 3000 teenagers as part of a PeaceJam conference, where he reminded every one of them that they could do something, however small. 

Think globally, act locally. 

I think of Eva Kor, the Auschwitz survivor who found the liberating power of forgiveness and shared her story around the world to her very last day. “Forgive your worst enemy,” she said, “It will set you free.” She stood less than five feet and was one of the most powerful people I’ve ever met. 

I think of Gandhi, (whom I never met but read a lot), who argued eloquently against the idea that humans are inherently cruel or violent. He wrote of satyagraha, the power to use nonviolence to insist upon justice: He exhorted us to think of two brothers who get into a fight. If one brother kills the other, we hear that story everywhere; it becomes news and then history. But if the brothers remember their love for each other and reconcile, no one tells that story. It’s boring. 

But it’s boring exactly because that’s what happens thousands of times a day everywhere. History, Gandhi scolded, is the record of the breaches of our innate power to find peaceful solutions, not an argument against them. 

Stay curious and compassionate. 

I think of the many communities that we live in, celebrate with, find joy and solace with, every day. The best remedy I’ve found for the doom that comes from scrolling is to look around. And in these divided times, when partisan politics feels more like dressing in colors for a football game than actual civic discourse, we really can find more in common than not if we try. There are a thousand tiny points of view to try, a thousand opportunities to make peace right where we are, peace by piece. We have only to notice them. 

One place to do that, if you like, is at the Farmer’s Market Pavilion in Eugene on 7:30 pm Thursday, Oct. 15 for the Peace By Piece Gala, the fundraiser will feature presentation of the Peacebuilder Award to the Community Alliance of Lane County, as well as short talks from local peacebuilders around the theme of Making Peace Where We Are. Details at LaneCDR.com. 

Darren Reiley is the Executive Director for the Center for Dialogue and Resolution, a dispute resolution center covering Lane, Douglas, and Coos Counties.