Nature’s a Bitch

Breaking News: Mother Nature found living in a cave near Grants Pass, Oregon.

When confronted by FBI interrogators, Mother Nature confessed to killing uncountable numbers of people, species and civilizations over eons of time, and admitted to planning to kill us all by erupting the Yellowstone super volcano.

Her plans include crushing the state of Oregon under 10 feet of volcanic ash and causing billions of deaths worldwide through crop failures and the breakdown of civilization.

When asked if the “Green New Deal” can save us, she laughed and said that she controls the weather, not Al Gore. She added, “I create havoc when I get bored with long periods of tranquility. It’s just my nature. This spring I made America’s Midwest much colder than normal, which spawned my beautiful plague of lovely tornadoes.”

Scientists confirmed that tornadoes are formed when warm air from the tropics clashes with cold air in the American Midwest, creating powerful storms with strong wind shear, which causes the air to spin.

Mother Nature vowed to go on creating people and killing people, and producing great serenity and great fear. She summed it all up in a few simple words: “I’m just a crazy bitch.”

Christopher Calder