Mat Kearny throws a melancholy O.

This Week in Sportsball: Chip Kelly

Duck fans speculate over who will be next person to coach football and make millions

I do not follow sportsball but I do recognize there are people who watch other people doing things with round balls and oval balls with great enthusiasm.

So here is a brief football update.

Duck football fans are very sad that their coach, who makes a base salary of about $4 million dollars a year, is moving to Miami, Florida, where he will make $8 million a year. Mind you he will also have to deal with wild alligators, feral pythons and rising sea levels literally swamping the city. But hey, it’s warm, there’s a beach and $4 million more dollars.

Meanwhile, classified staff workers at the University of Oregon are super excited their base salary will now be $15 an hour. 

Mario Cristobal’s house in Eugene is valued on at about $1 million dollars. He’ll probably pay four times that for a house in Coral Gables, but he could buy a $4 million dollar house outright and still have a couple million left over to pay to have the alligators removed from his pool. Once he’s gotten the gators out, he can actually swim in that pool year-round, unlike the one at his house in north Eugene.

With Cristobal on the way out, The Register-Guard is getting some readership by joining in on the speculation of who will take his place. Longtime Duck fans are getting misty-eyed over Chip Kelly.

Remember Chip? Pop-folk star (and Duck fan) Mat Kearney loved him so much he wrote a song begging him not to leave back in 2013. Chip left, of course, but now he has the chance to come back to the land of cold and wet, and as Kearney reminds us: Phil Knight’s money.

Additional reporting by Henry Houston, who dug up the information on Cristobal’s house and actually cares about football.

Camilla Mortensen grew up in Florida where snakes and alligators partied in the backyard and frozen iguanas fell out of trees in the winter. Since Mario Cristobal grew up there too, he knows what he’s getting in to. #FloridaMan.