For the last couple COVIDian years, it’s been so damn hard to date. We here at Eugene Weekly thought that when restrictions got lifted, things would get fun.
They did. But while we were rosily dreaming of romantic nights out, we forgot that dating can also just plain suck. So we asked you, dear readers, to amuse us with your tales of bad dates.
Amuse us you did. You also kind of scared us.
Here are the top three worst dates you sent us and one honorable mention — winner gets a $100 gift card to Cornucopia for two plus a $50 certificate for the Art House movie theater.
Cough Syrup and She-Hulk
My date and I decided to drive out to the coast for an early evening picnic. We drove to a secret spot where the beach was down a narrow path on a giant cliff that opened up to a small sandy area.
At first all seemed well; we had some wine and talked about our lives while enjoying the beautiful view. Halfway through I noticed something was off and found out he had secretly taken Robitussin and mixed it with his wine to really get the party started. The tide was rolling in, the sun was setting and he was completely out of his mind.
“Just leave me here,” he kept laughing madly as the waves crashed closer and closer.
I ended up carrying his limp 6-foot, 5-inch sad self up the giant cliff while racing the setting sunlight and the approaching high tide, all with zero cell reception. I used my She-Hulk strength to get his sorry ass and all of our stuff up the cliff, which was pretty impressive, but needless to say that was the last time we ever saw each other.
I came across a cute girl on Tinder. I swiped, we matched, and a date ensued. Our picnic date was dreary from the start with light rain dampening our bread and cheese.
Bad sign #1. My date was responsible for bringing drinks and she found two light beers rolling around in her fridge since pre-pandemic.
Bad sign #2. The date went on, no connection was formed, no interest spurred.
After an hour we wrapped things up. It was now raining a bit harder. I offered to give her a ride home since she mentioned she walked. I asked “Where do you live? I can give you a lift.”
She replied, somewhat shocked, “Are you serious?”
Caught off guard I said, “It’s raining, I’ll give you a ride. Where do you live?”
More angrily this time she said “I live right next to you. I’m your neighbor.” She was, in fact, my immediate next door neighbor.
She knew the entire date and thought I was just playing coy. She revealed that her roommates kept her updated on my whereabouts throughout the day. This bad date suddenly changed from an underwhelming experience to a person I would need to wave at every day for the remainder of my lease.
Three Dates and a Funeral
Third (and last) date, Friday night, pre-cell phone days. He picks me up for dinner and tells me, “We have to stop somewhere first.”
We drive to Papa’s Pizza, and the place is packed with after-game soccer kids and their families. He walks over to a table and introduces me to four women, dressed in black, looking sad; a couple of rough looking bikers; and an accountant. Pizza and beer have been ordered and everyone proceeds to talk about “Jim,” who was found dead a week ago.
His four daughters have come to Eugene for his wake! This group is trying to come to terms with their father/friend’s sudden death, kids are running around, orders being shouted over the speaker and the Red Sox are on. What the heck? I grab some pizza and beer and get out of the way.
In about an hour, my date says the memorial is going to move to a quieter place (ya think!) and would I like to go with them? Really?!
His profile: “short dude, dad bod, kinda weird.”
Me: Okay, I’m cool with all that, swipe right.
He shows up to the date (is very, very short. I’m really not prepared).
Me: “You should have mentioned that, but I understand how women are these days. Is your profile name Hexx short for something?”
Him: It’s Hexx Voldemort Leviathan (Name changed)
Me: “That’s interesting, Tell me more about that.”
Him: “It’s actually the name given to me by the entity that possessed my soul 17 years ago.”
Me: (Mentally) Wow, demonic possession is a first. His profile was somewhat true but leaving a lot out.
Moral of the story: Dating profiles leave a lot out. Ask good questions. Keep asking questions.