Dizzy with the success of the recent land swap with the city of Eugene that gave even more facilities space to the football team, the University of Oregon came back to the City Council with a request for still more land for the Ducks. UO spokesperson Kay Jarvis said in a press release posted to Around the O that the indoor facility currently being planned for the team does not include much-needed areas for sunbathing. 

“While the new indoor practice facility projects the players’ delicate skin from the rains of the Pacific Northwest,” she said, “It doesn’t allow for enough vitamin D and relaxation.” 

The city promptly awarded the UO a large portion of Alton Baker Park in exchange for the Romania Warehouse off Franklin Boulevard. Newly appointed President John Scholz proudly announced the acquisition of the eastern portion of Alton Baker park at his first press conference. No actual journalists were allowed at the conference because, according to Jarvis, “It’s against university policy to communicate with the media.” 

According to the press release, the school was unaware that the field at Alton Baker was formerly a landfill. However, plans are in place to team up with NW Natural to extract gas from the area and mix it with the natural gas it’s already importing and sell it to local customers as “Gander Gas.”