IF COACHES MADE ANY MORE MONEY, THEY COULD CAGE FIGHT ELON MUSK
Why aren’t people outraged that the lowest paid coach on the two major football teams in the state makes more than the governor? Is a long-snapper coach really more important to the state than a chief executive? The only coach who makes less than the governor is the “fetch the kicking tee after kick-offs and ensure the quarterback has a clean hand towel for his belt at all times” coach. (Sarcasm: There’s no such coach, but if there was, he’d still be paid more than the governor.)
And on the subject of sports, kudos to the athletic directors of the soon-to-be-former PAC-12. Things started going downhill when the Pac-8 became the Pac-10.
Apparently, some other conferences offered teams $67.78 more a year (more sarcasm) to leave a conference with more than a hundred years of history and tradition, and $67.78 was enough. Now the Dux and Huskeez can renew their ancient and legendary struggles with the Terrapins and the Scarlet Knights.
In-state students should be able to attend any public college for $1,000 a term. Let the donors pay the coaches’ salaries. If football is more important than education to you, move to a red state.
MUGGING THE TRUTH
Wow, I just saw those mugshots!
Past the shock value, I see them clearly now: They are obviously a new, native species, ID’d as Vomitus Delecti, a nematode subspecies that are parasites of plants, animals and people with brains. In the updated Trumpian lexicon, they are described as eelworms, pinworms and hookworms when wearing red caps and spouting nonsense about stolen elections, Jewish space lasers and pizza-shop child trafficking.
Charitably, some are actual attorneys, and like many of that ilk, they like to give orders and take orders, especially when the orders promote and condone violence towards anyone not wallowing about on their paunches, screaming “I’m a patriot!” until hoarse. Do they not understand how repeated behaviors reminiscent of the Three Stooges become just so damned boring while simultaneously so comical? It’s a paradox!
How often can so many repeat the same lame joke? Well, forever, apparently. And shock value, when needed in this weird country, is always available at a discount.
How long they will last is anyone’s guess, but eventually they might run out of money for diesel, burgers and polyethylene flags — and go extinct.
As Barack Obama might ruefully say: Let us hope.
DON’T ROUNDUP OUR DRINKING WATER
Glyphosate, or Roundup, an organophosphate pesticide, is part of a chemical cocktail a private forest owner is planning on aerial spraying over 473 acres of Beaver Creek forested wetland north of Waldport in Lincoln County in the near future. The land owner and the Oregon Department of Forestry, which issues the permit to spray, might consider the following:
Beaver Creek supplies 100 percent of the water to 5,500 people. Aerially sprayed herbicides have been proven to drift as much as 10 miles. Bayer/Monsanto offered $10.9 billion to settle about 100,000 existing Roundup claims.
Besides non-Hodgkin lymphoma, exposure to glyphosate can cause the following cancers: large B cell lymphoma, follicular lymphoma, mantle cell lymphoma, mycosis fungoides lymphoma and more than 70 other lymphoma subtypes.
This herbicide compound may be legal, but it’s definitely not safe. Why does a profit-driven, out-of-state corporation have a right to poison the land, air and inhabitants of Beaver Creek? Why do the people who live there, who are on the receiving end of this poisoning, have no right to say “no”?
Answer: Ask your local commissioner or your legislator in Salem.