Posted 2025-04-01
But What About the Kittens?
Lately the news has been dominated by fearmongering about all the attacks Donald Trump is supposedly making on DEI, civil servants and small businesses affected by tariffs. But no one is talking about the kittens. What about the kittens?
Claudia O’Katly
Eugene
Chemtrails Have the Last Word
No one has been listening to me for the last 25 years as I’ve tried to warn about the dangerous plot, run by the CIA, to turn all Americans into submissive sheep by poisoning them with chemical agents delivered by passenger jets in the sky. It’s chemtrails that gave us Donald Trump and QAnon. It’s chemtrails that have caused climate change. Without chemtrails, our youth would be excelling in school instead of seeking electronic solace from the poison in their phones.
I was right all along. See! See! See!
Go Ducks!
Cassandra D. Visionary
Springfield
Write Louder
I was recently made aware that the editor and the publisher of Eugene Weekly “identify as female” as the libs like to say it. This revelation solved a conundrum for me — I have had trouble reading your newspaper, and it’s because I have a little difficulty with my hearing. Specifically, I have trouble hearing women’s voices.
I would like to request that you have real men on staff, preferably white and over 55. I hear those voices the best. Even in print.
Cal Loudermilk
Creswell
Savage Love? How about Pure Courtship?
Enough is enough. We need an expert to weigh in on the Godly questions we have about love — who to hold hands with and for how long? What if my hand starts sweating? Which bench in town is the best place to declare my undying love to a man I met a week ago? If Dan Savage can’t provide a good Christian response, please find someone who can.
McKinleigh Jackson
Eugene
Protesting Protest
Every week there is another protest against Donald Trump. I have had enough. This is America, and you need to shut up and deal with it. I am requesting that Eugene police and Lane County sheriffs’ deputies deport all protesters because they don’t understand American values.
Karen McKaren
Eugene
The Future of Journalism
In a world where everything is becoming automated, it’s shocking that Eugene Weekly hasn’t yet embraced the power of artificial intelligence to replace human journalists entirely. Imagine the endless possibilities: breaking news stories about events that have yet to occur, written and published before the first person even realizes they’re important.
Forget factual reporting — AI can tell readers exactly what they want to hear. It’s the epitome of customer satisfaction.
AI doesn’t make mistakes like humans do. And if a mistake somehow slips through, AI can just auto-correct itself without anyone noticing. Think of the possibilities for a future with perfect, uncontroversial content for all. Let’s let AI control the entire newsroom. Humans are so last century. With AI, we can make every newspaper issue the best one ever — before it’s even published.