In an exclusive interview with Eugene Weekly, former President Joe Biden declared he will be running for office once again despite being 83 years old. “I’m gonna do it again and no one can stop me,” Biden says. “I’ve already picked my running mate, Maryland Rep. Steny Hoyer.” 

Hoyer, 86, says he is excited at the opportunity to serve his country in a higher capacity. “I’m still young and spry,” Hoyer says, denying claims of being too old. When asked what his top priority is, Biden said, “what?” The interview was cut short after Hoyer and Biden fell asleep. In an exclusive release to Eugene Weekly, Biden’s press office writes, “President Biden and Rep. Hoyer will bring back the American dream by increasing ice cream production by 100 percent.”