Late-night comedians got an unexpected gift this week when the U.S. Department of Justice’s latest release of documents from the Epstein files inadvertently included a confidential list of nicknames Donald Trump plans to use for political and cultural leaders in Eugene and around Oregon when he targets the state this spring with an invasion of ICE agents.

The unredacted document, which is stamped “Top Secret” in red at the top of each page, refers to Eugene’s mayor as “Comrade Kaarin Knudson” and Oregon’s two U.S. senators as “Jed Jerkly” and Ron “Fond of Whinin’.” The file also mentions Eugene Police Chief “Mule Skinner” and Lane County Commissioner “Lovely Loveall.”

Scrawled in the president’s handwriting, next to what appear to be ketchup stains, are notes about some of the named figures. Trump called Loveall “A real man’s man!!!! Got to introduce him to Pete Hegseth. A tough guy like Lovely Loveall could help us beat this whole Iran thing in a day!” 

Chief Skinner, though, had the word “COWARD” penned next to his name in all caps. “That pussy cop should have shot those Terrorist Rioters himself! Now we have to spend $22 million to replace that window! A complete waste!”

Several nicknames on the printed list were scratched out and had notes in the president’s handwriting rejecting them, using such words as “not nasty enough,” “a real snoozer,” and “too dull.”

At a hastily called news conference on Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt angrily denied a report from Fox News that the NickName Papers, as the document immediately became known, show that Trump has never been able to think up nicknames by himself. “Only a traitor would suggest such a thing,” Leavitt said to a Fox News reporter. “The officer will escort you out now.”

Other names on the president’s list include Congressional Rep. “Valium Hoyle,” Governor “No Tech Kotek,” and Oregon Attorney General “Dan Gay Field.”