Eugene Weekly’s 2011 Gift Guide
The 2012 End of the World Zombie Apocalypse Survivors’ Starter Kit
Let’s face it, 2012 approaches. Nostradamus knew what was up. The Mayans saw it coming, too. It’s anybody’s guess as to what this next year will bring about. Maybe the arrival of the solar millennium? The earth’s collision with a comet or vacuous black hole? A positive spiritual transformation of our planet and all its inhabitants?
Or perhaps it will be a blood-soaked, world-ravaging pandemonium of catastrophic proportions — filled with warfare, martial law, zombies and roving bands of degenerate thugs, heavily-armed and very pissed off — buildings burnt to ashes, freeways littered with abandoned sport utility vehicles, figures dancing in reflections of jagged glass as the definition of food changes. It could happen. Anything could happen.
Whatever the case, if you want to see 2013, you’re well advised to be prepared. Should you not feel this way, you probably know someone who does. So for that special person, that ultimate survivalist boy (or girl) scout-lonewolf-hunter-killer-zombie-hating-one-world-government-fearing-hyper-vigilant loved one of yours, no gift could be more appropriate and appreciated than EW’s official 2012 End of the World Zombie Apocalypse Survivors’ Starter Kit. Trust us.
Rogue squads of paramilitary wack-jobs might have access to chemical weapons. The weapons of mass destruction that Bush talked about (and never found) could be launched our way at any moment. Or worse, the zombies could use gas on us — who knows what those bloodthirsty savages are truly capable of? A good gas mask will be crucial.
Action Surplus, $49.99 (Korean model)
KA-BAR Fighting Utility Knife
A good knife is an absolute necessity in a worst case scenario. Nothing could be more reliable than a KA-BAR. This is the knife your granddaddy fought the Nazis with. But we ain’t in the killin’ Nazi business; we’re in the staying alive and nourished business, and with this knife, business will be boomin’. Whether it’s close combat with zombies or cutting up the freshly scavenged carrots from a nearby abandoned farmhouse, the KA-BAR gets the job done.
Edge N Knife, $71.00 Large, $67.00 Small
Water Purification Pills
In our climate, the human body can survive without water for ten days max. And who knows what will be in the water when 2012 happens. Your local outdoors store will have bottles of these. Get them now.
Oregon is wet; fire is a gift from the gods. Come Doomsday, you may or may not believe in a God, but you will believe in waterproof matches.
Dick’s Sporting Goods, $2.49 for a 4-pack
Chopping wood, chopping zombies-hey, you don’t have to reload it and it works for midrange combat as well.
Edge N Knife, $36.95
The foxholes of Khe Sanh were dug with shovels like this. The collapsible feature is perfect for the wandering nomadic survivor.
Dick’s Sporting Goods, $19.99-$29.99
This one is a no-brainer.
True Value Hardware, varies in length and price.
Where will you be when the lights go out? Hopefully with one of these handy. Standard issue crookneck military flashlights are the way to go for the end-of-the-world scenario. Each comes with a series of different-colored lenses, for optimum use in a variety of environments. Pick up one of these and some extra batteries.
Action Surplus, $12.95
12-Gauge Pump Action Shotgun
No longer just for those who don’t dial 9-1-1, the 12-gauge pump action shotgun is the premier food-harvesting, personal-protection, zombie-slaying device for the end times. Compact, versatile, capable of dispatching small and large game as well as the walking dead, a good 12-gauge is the MacGyver of the firearms world — it can do anything, anywhere. Plus, when the end comes, ammunition will be easy to find. While stores and businesses still exist, various models can be purchased and modified to the specifications of your hyper-vigilant loved one.
MREs (Meal, Ready-to-Eat)
The MRE is an individual field ration that contains upwards of 1,200 calories. They even come with a built-in flameless ration heater, for those times when you can’t build a fire. And don’t worry: If that all-around survivalist super-soldier in your life happens to be a vegetarian, MREs are also available in meatless form.
Action Surplus, $6.99 a each, $83.00 for case of 12.
Who knows what might be out there, hunting you, tracking you, smelling you …better have some of this on hand.
The Bow Rack, $14.95
If you can’t duct it…
True Value Hardware, approx $3.00
Fishing Line & Hooks
Assuming that ichthyoids survive the onset of 2012, they will most likely still be just as tasty. We suggest a minimum of 10-lb test.
Caddis Fly, approx $15.00
Can also double as a weapon if combined with waterproof match.
True Value Hardware, $4.79 Large
Gone To The Dogs
Get your pup a collar and a bed
Homegrown Holiday Albums
Halie Loren, Anna Gilbert release classic Yuletide albums
Great holiday gifts for musicians of all skill levels
Artimals for All Seasons
Local painter Noelle Dass discovers the joy of doodling
Look, Ma, No Hands
BeerHoodie pouches your brew for you
Liquid Christmas, in style
Glasswork gifts by Obsidian Manufacturing