House of Horrors

You thought you hated all those political posts. You’ve unfriended or unfollowed all your liberal friends on Facebook. But Halloween is drawing near, and now is the time to embrace being horrified and terrified.

President Donald Trump and those who love him: Welcome to the House of Horrors, where all your liberal nightmares come to life.

To get in, you must first pass former President Barack Obama. That man has always been after your guns, and just as you face the biggest threats to your life and country, he’s finally taking them away. If you want to continue this downward spiral into terror in the Trump House of Horrors, you must hand him your firearms.

Now weaponless, you enter the realm of antifa and special snowflakes. These lefty snowflakes need their trigger warnings and safe spaces. But this particular safe-space is defended by antifa thugs.

Take off the swastika armband or get decked.

Walk carefully. In this room you will be shocked and titillated by lesbians, queers, trans people, gays and those who have the effrontery to question their own gender or sexuality. Shield the eyes of the children lest they be converted to the queer church of our saint Dan Savage.

What is a threat to the sanctity of marriage and home? Marriage between anyone but a man and a woman! Watch out: They will be trying to let people marry ducks next.

Obama’s socialist health care policies gave lazy poor people health care. We should be giving them bootstraps to pull themselves up by, but instead they are grabbing at our wallets with their zombie-hands.

Nooooooooo!!! Uteruses! Planned Parenthood! Birth control!
Women are babymakers and should be honored to reproduce. All else is blasphemy. Run before they take you to Hell with them!

If you’ve made it this far in the hell house, then it’s time for your worst alt-right nightmare.

Those Muslims are just praying, but you know that’s a threat. Heads up! That one’s trying to board a plane!

Black Lives Matter? Colin Kaepernick kneeling? There is nothing more terrible or so quick to cause your heart to race
with fear than black people asking for basic human rights. Run through this room quickly before they make you listen to them.

You made it through the House of Horrors! Congrats! And just ignore that polar bear. Remember, climate change isn’t real!

Illustrations by Craig Winzer for Eugene Weekly

A Note From the Publisher

Dear Readers,

The last two years have been some of the hardest in Eugene Weekly’s 43 years. There were moments when keeping the paper alive felt uncertain. And yet, here we are — still publishing, still investigating, still showing up every week.

That’s because of you!

Not just because of financial support (though that matters enormously), but because of the emails, notes, conversations, encouragement and ideas you shared along the way. You reminded us why this paper exists and who it’s for.

Listening to readers has always been at the heart of Eugene Weekly. This year, that meant launching our popular weekly Activist Alert column, after many of you told us there was no single, reliable place to find information about rallies, meetings and ways to get involved. You asked. We responded.

We’ve also continued to deepen the coverage that sets Eugene Weekly apart, including our in-depth reporting on local real estate development through Bricks & Mortar — digging into what’s being built, who’s behind it and how those decisions shape our community.

And, of course, we’ve continued to bring you the stories and features many of you depend on: investigations and local government reporting, arts and culture coverage, sudoku and crossword puzzles, Savage Love, and our extensive community events calendar. We feature award-winning stories by University of Oregon student reporters getting real world journalism experience. All free. In print and online.

None of this happens by accident. It happens because readers step up and say: this matters.

As we head into a new year, please consider supporting Eugene Weekly if you’re able. Every dollar helps keep us digging, questioning, celebrating — and yes, occasionally annoying exactly the right people. We consider that a public service.

Thank you for standing with us!