EW staffers try cleansing

Vegetable broth, Heavy Metal Cleanse, Juice and Master Cleanse

To prepare for Valentine’s day EW staffers decided to cleanse

getting it all out 

Vegetable broth  colon cleansing

What you need: 2 liters of water, 2 large potatoes (peeled), 1 onion,
3 carrots,
4 garlic cloves. Chop all vegetables, add them to the water. Cover pot and simmer for 30 minutes, then drain the vegetables

Duration: three days

It is often noted that no scientific proof exists to document the absolute need for cleansing the colon. But I am of the belief that the human intestinal tract is like a sewer system — and it’s best to keep the pipes clean. Stuff can build up in there. What was good enough for the Egyptians is good enough for me. The Greeks were big on it too.

There are different ways of cleansing the colon, the most well known of which is the colonic, also referred to as colonic irrigation. Standard forms of colon hydrotherapy can be very effective. But given that I like to work from the inside out, I thought I’d try my luck with a drinkable colon-cleaning regimen.

I found the easiest way to do this is with vegetable broth. I used the recipe above, but you can also go the lowbrow route and simply purchase boxes or cans of veggie broth from your local grocery store.

Some people choose to drink the broth whenever hungry for a period of three days. After a 24-hour-straight period of cleansing, I can report that my colon felt wonderful — no need for another two days. Make sure to drink lots of water as well. You may feel dizzy, and you will need to stay near a restroom. Air fresheners are another good idea, particularly if you have roommates.

(Note: Over-cleansing can result in your colon’s inability to generate proper bowel movements.) — Dante Zuñiga-West

heavy metal cleanse

Axing heavy metals

What you need: cilantro, water, bare feet. Steep 8 tsps. of cilantro in hot water as you would tea.

Duration: two days to three weeks

Don’t let the name of this cleanse fool you; listening to Black Sabbath or Mastodon won’t help get your insides spick-and-span, but as a general opponent of cilantro’s flavor, I found that angry music helped me choke down the tea.

Far from Ozzy Osbourne, the heavy metals this cleanse attacks are things like mercury, a toxic metal found in raw fish and dental fillings; lead, found in soil and paint, linked to lower IQs among children; and aluminum, which has been linked to Alzheimer’s. Now, who wants all of that stuff? I don’t have any fillings, but I’ll be brushing extra hard from now on; I suggest you do the same.

So the tea might be objectionable to some folks (myself included), but it works. Even after two days of my dinners being washed down with that revolting stuff, I feel an overwhelming lack of lethargy, even at the end of the day.

Although the heavy metal detox might not produce astounding, immediate results, its effect is preventative. Heavy metals are everywhere, and even tiny things like taking off your shoes before you go inside can make a difference to the amount of soil (which contains lead) that you breathe in. Even if it tastes like the tail end of a colon cleanse (at least to me), the tea is worth drinking to help avoid some potentially serious health issues down the road. — Andy Valentine

i love juice

All you need is fruit (and vegetables)

What you need: Juice one is celery, tomatoes, lemon and onions. Juice two is grapes, oranges, lemons and honey. Juice ‘em up with some water, plus drink eight glasses of water a day.

Duration: three to 10 days

The fruit juice in this cleanse is delicious — sour mash that tickled my taste buds and generally quelled my hunger. I’m considering making it again and toting it around in a water bottle to add to my general fruit intake, especially since fancy true fruit juices are typically beyond the budget of a newbie writer.

The vegetable juice is not my cup of tea, and that’s because it is boring. No kick, no punch, no edacious goodness to its savory-intended flavor. It could likely be improved with a little cayenne pepper, and maybe you’ll like it if you are boring or need something boring in your life.

Honestly, the cleanse didn’t make me hungry or crazy. “Real” food looked and smelled (especially smelled) better than it usually does, even stuff I’m not crazy about, like asparagus. I was a little hungry, but after drinking juice and water it always felt better. I peed a lot. My digestive tract was a brave little soldier, though, and it regulated and kept things flowing correctly.

Given what my disgusted co-workers tell me about their cleanses, and the relatively decent nutritional content of this one, I consider the juice method a winner if you’re inclined to cleanse. — Shannon Finnell

master cleanse

I did it wrong

What you need: lemons, cayenne pepper, maple syrup for the lemonade. Laxative tea or sea salt for “flushing.”

Also allowed: caffeine-free herbal tea 

Duration: 10 days

I love hot peppers. I like lemonade. I often forget to eat, and cooking is not my strong point. So I thought I would give the Master Cleanse a shot. It turns out mine are not good reasons for drinking nothing but spicy lemonade for days at a time. I don’t know what it does for other folks, but it made me loopy, sort of high, and I peed a lot.

According to mastercleanse.org “Every day of the Master Cleanse that you overcome the psychological need to eat, you feel a growing sense of control that motivates you to complete the process.” Just like when I was in high school and my friends and I used to not eat for days at a time because it made us feel all cool and powerful. Mostly it made us spacey, and we likely annoyed everyone around us. The Master Cleanse probably annoys everyone too, given how often it sends you to the potty.

But my critique should be taken with a grain of salt. I left out the salt. A “salt water flush” sounded like a bad idea, as did laxative tea. So I substituted coffee. After all, it’s a laxative (and, as it turns out, a diuretic. See above comment about peeing).

Somewhere around hour 12 (and well into the loopy phase) I decided it was a waste of good lemonade and an empty stomach not to add whiskey to the mix. At that point this new and improved Master Cleanse I had created became my new favorite eating regime. It combines all my favorite things like coffee, whiskey, hot peppers, not cooking and forgetting to eat. Even better: If anyone chides me for my bad eating habits I can just sneer at them in a hopefully loopy yet endearing way and assure them, “I’m cleansing.” –— Camilla Mortensen

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