BY GUSTAVO ARELLANO
SPECIAL YEAR-END EDICIÓN
Apologize for the shortened column this week, but there are tamales to make…
Dear Readers: Gracias, thank you, gracias for another successful year. The Mexican now appears in 32 newspapers across the country, with a weekly circulation of just over two million! As more readers join the Reconquista, many ask the same preguntas about the column’s methodology, philosophy, and generous use of the term pinche puto pendejo baboso. Following is a mini-F.A.Q. to address those concerns; next week, this column returns to its usual pendejadas.
Are you really Mexican?
Does a tamale contain masa?
Why do you use satire? Why can’t you just be serious?
Consult the works of Swift, Twain, Colbert and Sadgiyev for my answer.
Why haven’t you answered my question? You’re too much of a pussy to publish it, huh?
Patience, gentle readers: patience. My backlog of unanswered questions is over 200 pages long, all of them unique, and queries still invade my mailbox daily. I’ll get around to every question, but unless you’re an illegal immigrant, everyone must wait in line.
You didn’t answer last week’s question properly.
The Mexican answers with facts and attempted humor. If you don’t like it, go to Home Depot and pay a Mexican five bucks to fashion the respuesta you may desire.
How can I get you to answer my question faster?
Be original (may the next people who ask what part of “illegal” don’t Mexicans understand or why do Mexicans like Morrissey so much see their favorite radio station transform into a Mexican regional outlet). Ask questions that crack me up, whether out of cleverness or blatant stupidity. Preferred subjects for the Mexican: etymology, stereotype-debunking, and showing how much of a pendejo Lou Dobbs is.
Why do you claim to speak for all Mexicans?
It’s ¡Ask A Mexican!, not ¡Ask the Virgin of Guadalupe! Next question.
What’s a “wab,” and why do you use that word?
A wab is what wetbacks call wetbacks in Orange County, California; I use it to remind people even Mexicans can hate Mexicans. Also, to remind everyone that Orange County is the Mexican-hating capital of America.
Why do you make fun of Guatemalans?
The English had the Irish; the Italians had the Poles; everyone now makes fun of Mexicans. If we want to assimilate, we must pick on those below us — that’s the American way, no?
Gracias again, readers—this column is what it is because of ustedes. I leave you with the winning entry for the Mexican consulate picture contest I advertised throughout last year — why wasn’t it you, flojo? If the person below isn’t from your hometown, be the first to send the Mexican a picture of yourself in front of the local Mexican consulate, and win a free autographed book! Prospero New Year, chavos y chavas!
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net. Letters will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!
Gustavo Arellano is an investigative reporter on staff at the OC Weekly in Orange County, California. His “¡Ask a Mexican!” column began in 2004 and today is syndicated in 32 publications nationwide. He is also the author of a book by the same name. An extensive interview with Arellano can be found in the EW archives online for Nov. 29, 2007. Arellano can be contacted at TheMexican@AskAMexican.net
A Note From the Publisher
Dear Readers,
The last two years have been some of the hardest in Eugene Weekly’s 43 years. There were moments when keeping the paper alive felt uncertain. And yet, here we are — still publishing, still investigating, still showing up every week.
That’s because of you!
Not just because of financial support (though that matters enormously), but because of the emails, notes, conversations, encouragement and ideas you shared along the way. You reminded us why this paper exists and who it’s for.
Listening to readers has always been at the heart of Eugene Weekly. This year, that meant launching our popular weekly Activist Alert column, after many of you told us there was no single, reliable place to find information about rallies, meetings and ways to get involved. You asked. We responded.
We’ve also continued to deepen the coverage that sets Eugene Weekly apart, including our in-depth reporting on local real estate development through Bricks & Mortar — digging into what’s being built, who’s behind it and how those decisions shape our community.
And, of course, we’ve continued to bring you the stories and features many of you depend on: investigations and local government reporting, arts and culture coverage, sudoku and crossword puzzles, Savage Love, and our extensive community events calendar. We feature award-winning stories by University of Oregon student reporters getting real world journalism experience. All free. In print and online.
None of this happens by accident. It happens because readers step up and say: this matters.
As we head into a new year, please consider supporting Eugene Weekly if you’re able. Every dollar helps keep us digging, questioning, celebrating — and yes, occasionally annoying exactly the right people. We consider that a public service.
Thank you for standing with us!
Publisher
Eugene Weekly
P.S. If you’d like to talk about supporting EW, I’d love to hear from you!
jody@eugeneweekly.com
(541) 484-0519