Eugene Weekly : Savage Love : 10.16.08

In this very special episode of Savage Love, I answer letters from readers who made the largest donations to the campaigns to preserve marriage equality in California (, protect same-sex couples in Florida (, and defeat Stephen Harper in Canada.


I’m a 31-year-old heterosexual woman, and my boyfriend and I are starting to experiment with “pegging” (great term, btw). He’s very much into submission and humiliation, and I find I’m pretty damn good at the fem-dom thing. I understand that preferences run the gamut and every couple needs to figure out their own boundaries, but I was wondering if you could give me your perspective on a couple of things I find troubling.

1. My boyfriend can be bossy sometimes, but I find his assertiveness particularly irritating when he tells me how to dominate him. Shouldn’t this be my job to figure out what I want to do to him and just do it? I would never actually hurt him, but I think he’s too bossy for a sub—or is that what people mean by “the bottom is actually in charge?”

2. One of our “games” is when I get him almost to orgasm… and then don’t allow him to come. He really likes being denied orgasms, and maybe it’s my inner man-pleaser, but sometimes I just like when he comes because it makes me feel some sense of accomplishment and competence as a lover. However, I’ve noticed lately that when I do let him come, he kind of acts like a jerk afterward. Is this typical post-orgasm, men-don’t-need-to-cuddle behavior, or is he upset because I didn’t “deny” him? I’ve asked him, but he’s not very chatty when he’s in his post-orgasm jerk mode.

Inexperienced Pegger Eagerly Gratifies

1. It’s not your job to “figure out” how to dominate him. It’s your job—both of your jobs—to talk about your turn-ons at great length and then come up with a mutually pleasurable list of BDSM activities and fantasies that you want to explore together. Then when you’re fucking around, IPEG, stick pretty close to the items and fantasies on that agreed-upon list—not a list of what he wants, but a list of what you both want—while gently pushing his boundaries. And while you’re fucking around, he should refrain from all bossy behaviors and just freaking submit.

Unless, of course, he opts to use his “safe word.” But to prevent him from “topping from below,” IPEG, tell him that using his safe word ends the scene and the sex. If he uses his safe word, you get up, clean up, go to bed, give each other a kiss, and talk things over later. That way he won’t use the safe word to edit, i.e., it won’t be a tool he can use to boss you around while you’re topping him.

2. If he’s not chatty in post-orgasm mode, chat with him later—you know, when enough time has passed to put him back in pre-orgasm mode. (An hour? Two? Twelve?) And tell him what you’ve told me: You’ll deny him orgasms regularly, but you intend to make him come regularly. Because it’s what you want.

And a fem-dom relationship is supposed to be about—or appear to be about—what you, the fem, wants and not what he, the dommed, wants.

I don’t have a question in particular, but your column inspired me to donate to this worthy cause (No on Prop 8). However, I do have an addendum to your advice to Blowing Smoke, which I thought was… eh.

Blowing Smoke likes smoking pot and she likes giving head—but her mouth is too dry after smoking up to give a good blowjob. Now this is a little gross, but generally when people vomit they emit an excess amount of saliva. So, one way to remedy a lack of lubrication when giving a blowjob is to deep-throat his cock until you provoke a slight—emphasis on SLIGHT, you don’t want to actually puke on him—gag-reflex reaction, which will trigger the production of saliva.

Supports The Gay Agenda

Thanks for sharing your money and tossing up those insights, STGA. Now Blowing Smoke can get to work on fine-tuning the ol’ gag reflex.

I donated a pretty large sum for a guy who drives an 11-year-old Taurus. I wish I had a good question for you. So, uh—have you ever received a question that made you dry-heave a little in revulsion? What was the question?

Too Much Light Blinds

Questions that have me heaving are a dime a dozen, TMLB. At least one arrives every day. (After a couple of close calls—dry heaves that almost went wet—I am now careful not to read my mail immediately after a meal.) It’s the questions that elicit a rare “Oh my God!” that are remarkable. The most recent example: A poop lover who felt that I was unsympathetic to his kind—and I am—took it upon himself to desensitize me to poop “play” by sending me several dozen digital images of himself and his wife before, during, and after a “session.” Unsurprisingly, his efforts backfired.

Thank you for getting people involved in the No on Prop 8 campaign!

I’m a 30-year-old gay guy and moved from one city to another. Shortly after I moved, my boyfriend dumped me and I began a fairly long and severe depression. I had scarcely any friends in my new city, but never in my life did I need friends more.

The problem was that many of the guys I met were interested in a romantic relationship. I, however, was entirely undatable. But because I was lonely, I went ahead and dated these guys for a while. These were great guys, and I really wanted their friendship, but I wasn’t emotionally available for more. I feel bad because I ended up jerking them around and hurting some feelings.

This is my question: How can a young gay man negotiate the whole “friends” thing? Should I view other single guys as poor prospects and seek out girls/couples/heteros for friendship? Is the line between friendship and dating always fuzzier for gay men?

Looking For Friends

You’re making this more complicated than it needs to be, LFF.

Look, you were depressed and alone in a new city and had recently been dumped, LFF, and all of that sucks. But it’s naughty for folks—gay, straight, bi, whatever—to take advantage of people who find them attractive. And that’s exactly what you were doing to those guys. There wasn’t anything “fuzzy” going on here, LFF; you weren’t confused about your feelings. Those guys made it clear that they were into you, it was clear to you that you weren’t into them, but you went ahead and dated them anyway—you encouraged them to think you had some interest in them—because you wanted their companionship and support.

And you got it—under false pretenses. Understandable, again, given your emotional state, but not cool.

Now, you don’t have to rule out all other single gay men as potential friends in the future, LFF, just the ones who are attracted to you sexually and/or romantically. Unless you’re all things to all people—and you can’t be because no one is—there are single gay men out there who might want your companionship but not your ass, LFF. Make friends with them.


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