Eugene Weekly : Savage Love : 5.19.11

I suppose you are going to call me an asshole once you have finished reading my letter, but I hope you have some advice for me regardless.

I am a 45-year-old heterosexual male. My last relationship lasted nearly seven years. I am currently single. I am discouraged. One of the reasons for my discouragement: I have to get too far into a relationship before I can determine if it will work out with any particular woman. An awful lot of emotion, time, and effort are required to get that first look into a womans panties. And this is where my problem lies. A woman can have the sweetest personality, she can be pretty and hardworking, but if her pussy isnt bald and her “little man in the boat” doesnt fit comfortably in my mouth, I am NOT turned on. I require a shaved pussy and a big clit.

I have asked women with whom Ive become close to go bald. If the answer is no, there is no need to return. I respect a womans control over her own body, of course, but I like a big clit. She may or may not be bald, but if the clit isnt big enough, theres no sense in returning. I have heard women say that they were disappointed to find that a mans dick was too small or too large, or they didnt like that it curved to the left or right. Do I have a right to a similar preference? What do I do? Is there a way to ask about these issues before emotion, time, and effort are invested?

Call Me Asshole

Knowing that she could be disqualified due to the size of her clit, which she can do nothing about, or the presence of pubic hair, which she can do something about (but might not want to), is information a woman might want before she invests a lot of emotion, time, and effort in you, CMA. Or any emotion, time, and effort. But theres literally no way to ask a woman to show you her clit or to verify either her “baldness” or willingness to go bald in advance of that crucial first date. Even women with six-inch clits who suffer from neck-down alopecia (credit: are going to run screaming after hearing a request like that.

Dont get me wrong, CMA: Its a fine thing to have preferences, to be aware of them, and to be able to articulate them. And most people would prefer to be with someone whose preferences roughly jibe with their attributes. But most of us would also like to thinkãeven if its not trueãthat our personalities are so winning that our partners would love us even if, say, our clits were tiny and our pubes towering.

So what do you do? Well, CMA, since being up-front about your very particular, deal-breaking preferences would result in your never seeing another pussy again in your life, I think you keep your mouth shut. you’re just going to have to date and invest the time. And then if you discover once you get into her pants that her clit is too small or her pussy is too hairy, CMA, just make up a nice, polite, its-not-you-its-me lie. It wouldnt be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her when in actual fact theres something wrong with you.

Kinky female here, age 26. For as long as Ive been sexually active, Ive been ridiculously turned on by guys with huge cocks. I love the way they look and feel in my hands and when theyre inside me. This isnt to say that Id date a guy purely on cock enormity alone; I wouldnt. But Im not sure what to do about my current situation: Im dating someone now who shares my same valuesãhes flamingly liberal and actually enjoys RuPauls Drag Raceãbut we dont have the greatest sexual chemistry. Some of its because hes pretty vanilla, although hes GGG, but a lot of it is that his dick is average. Sadly. Am I wrong to want a guy with the lower half of a horse? If so, can I retrain myself to accept, and even want, an average or below-average penis?

Female Phallophiliac

You dont say how long youve been dating this guy, FP.

If youve been fucking him for a while and you still havent found a groove, well, it might be best to move on. Liberalism and RuPauls Drag Race are nice, but theyre not enough to sustain a long-term romantic relationship.

But if youve been dating him a short time, FP, and theres been some noticeable improvement on the chemistry front, you might want to stick around. Sometimes the chemistry is there and obvious from the start; sometimes chemistry kicks into gear after a few weeks or months. If you dig himãand it sounds like you doãthen hes worth the investment of a little time. As for the little dick, wellÄ

How big is his forearm?



Im a partnered gay man who happens to have a small cock. When I was younger, I was often embarrassed, but I have gotten used to it and I cant change it and I know how to enjoy it now.

Among my friends, small-dick jokes are common. Not directed at me, but generic jokes and comments suggesting that guys with small dicks arent real men, or should always bottom, or arent worth dating. Stuff like that. And it has begun to make me feel much more self-conscious, especially since a couple of the guys Ive heard making these jokes are intimately familiar with my cock. They know Im small. It wasnt an issue, because they initiated the sex and wanted it more than once. I had a six-month fuck-buddy relationship with one of these guys and I topped him, so I know he didnt have an issue with my size.

So my dilemma is this: Is this just some self-esteem issue that Ive been unaware of and need to deal with? Or should I say something, at least to the two guys Ive had sex with? They are my closest friends and know that I struggled with my size when I was younger.

Sensitive Matters And Lessons Learned

You should definitely say something to the two ingrates youve had sex with, SMALL, and to anyone else who makes small-dick jokes in your presence. You dont have to volunteer to men you havent fucked that you happen to have a small dick yourself. Just point out that in any group, there are going to be guys with smaller-than-average endowments and that its just not cool to make those guys feel bad or inadequateãparticularly when studies show that the partners of men with smaller-than-average dicks report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people whose partners have larger-than-average dicks.

STRAIGHT RIGHTS WATCH: Indianas right-wing Republican governor signed a bill into law that strips Planned Parenthood in that state of federal funds. This is going to lead to more abortions in Indiana, not fewer, but facts dont matter to right-wing shit-piles like Mitch “Social Issues Truce” Daniels. Now would be a good time to make a donationãeven if all you can afford is a small, symbolic oneãto Planned Parenthood of Indiana. Go to, and click “Donate Now!” Then do everything you can to defeat the GOP in 2012.

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