The Eugene Newbie’s Bona Fide Summer Guide

OK, Eugene. You’ve teased me with 90-degree weather. You’ve psyched me out with multiple days of sunshine. You’ve even duped me into riding my bike every day. What I’m saying is that you’ve gotten me excited for summer. Now when is it going to get here? Where I come from, back in the Midwest, we don’t have these duplicitous summery days — the kind of balmy bluffs that have you breaking out your flip-flops and cutting your crappy old pants into shorts only to put them back in the drawer for another month. Seriously, what gives? I’m ready for summer pronto. People have been telling me that summer doesn’t really start in Eugene until the day after Fourth of July. After so many false alarms, I find that unacceptable. So I’ve taken it upon myself to start thinking summer thoughts now. 

Summers for me usually mean two cold showers a day, bed sheets in the freezer and a fan in every corner of the apartment. Midwest summers are sticky, muggy and downright disgusting. You cling to everything you come in contact with; you constantly feel like you’re breathing into a pillow; and you sweat profusely just waiting for the bus. I’m used to hating summer, but the supposed lack of humidity here in Eugene has given me hope. No more sweating in my sleep. No more sticking to the couch. No more standing naked in front of the open fridge. For me, that’s summer plan number one: Finally enjoy summer. But after coming up with a few other clichéd summer plans on my own (grill out, go swimming, drink light beer), I realized that I might need some help planning my first Eugene summer. I’ve never spent a June, July or August here, so what do Eugeneans do during those months? I trolled the city for a day, soliciting advice from folks who have a handful of Eugene summers under their belts. Some of them suggested that I stay in the city; most told me to get out of town. Here are their two cents.

You should:

check out a Eugene Emeralds game

ride your bike to the coast

go fishing in the McKenzie River

go to a bar and get drunk

hike Spencer’s Butte

go rafting on the Umpqua River

buy a joke book from Frog

go to the Olympic Trials

stay away from the Olympic Trials

go swimming at Amazon public pool

go swimming in Triangle Lake off
Highway 36

innertube down the Willamette

go fuck yourself

go to the Lane County Fair

slide down the Sliding Rocks

go see some music

shop at the Farmers’ Market

go jump in Crater Lake

check out the Lava Fields just south
of Bend

go to the Pendleton Round-Up rodeo

hang out on campus — it’s quiet

go to Noise Fest at the DIVA

go to Oaks Amusement Park in southeast Portland

check out some yard sales

just leave

Some good ideas, right? Maybe I’ll try to do most of them — or heck, I’ll try to do them all (except the self-intercourse). If you have a good summer tip for the Eugene newbie, let us know. — Jeremy Ohmes