A Modern Proposal

For preventing the dogs of homeless and poor people from being a burden to Eugene sidewalks and businesses — and for making them useful

In an honest effort to address safety concerns and to spruce up downtown Eugene, a city center littered with empty buildings and unsightly student housing, Eugene City Council voted 6 to 2 to ban dogs from strolling along and occupying city blocks. The ban does not apply to dogs of the gentry with downtown addresses.

As six council members struggle to overcome the burden and hardship of complaints aired by their constituents, we offer useful suggestions to help them sleep more soundly at night:

Boil the dogs. Not only will this measure steadily decrease the surplus homeless dog population, it will satisfy the bellies of the beggars. If implementation becomes problematic, city councilors should provide vats in which the dogs can be stewed, cooked and distributed to feed the community. People unwilling to comply will naturally be ticketed and extravagantly fined by the police.

Use dog skins for clothing. To ensure that no dog part go unused, require the owners with no homes to upcycle their once-loyal companion into a sweater, blanket or makeshift shelter. Recycling is of utmost importance, and the unemployed would be grateful for the opportunity to complete a task.

Create a shelter utilizing the skeletal dog remains. Whilst the city debates about how many millions of dollars to pour into the construction of a new city hall our local government has been operating without for nearly three years, dog bones left over from stews could create small shelters for the homeless. The spectacle of the poor sitting in the rain is an uncomfortable sight for most citizens, so hiding them from the public is a reasonable solution to disposing with the dog remains and the public’s discomfort.

One cannot imagine the afflictions surrounding the tough decision-making suffered by Eugene City councilors. Rest assured that casting out the poor and their dogs should improve the quality of life deserved only by a select few in our exemplary shining, accepting and diverse city.

The Satire Issue: Looking for humor in all the wrong places. April 1, 2017.

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