Eugene Swoosh’s New Letters Section

Disappointed Again

What can I say? Eugene Weekly, your staff disappoints me — and the music community — through your neglect to cover the reanimated Jerry Garcia at the Cuthbert last week. Thanks to science, we have been able to clone Garcia from a joint he once smoked while in Veneta decades ago.

Hours after the cloning, Garcia played a four-hour set, which included an amazing St. Stephen>Dark Star>Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony>Brokedown Palace transition.

Maybe your writers need a lesson in culture.

Ilene ‘Dead Head’ Patchouli


Local Doesn’t Matter

When will you all learn that local issues don’t matter when President Donald Trump continues to terrorize this country through his policies? I get that Eugene has its problems, but why can’t this paper instead focus its reporting on what Trump is doing?

Haley-Jo Burnett


His Will Be Done

If this weekly tabloid with the editorial direction of an Autotrader (no offense to that fine publication) could cast aside its sick liberal ideology, it could inform readers about the real climate change underway.

See, our country — and the world at large — has been in a downward spiral of chaos and sin. Just reading through your newspaper shows all of the sick, sinful ways of your readers.

God has dealt with this before. In all of his infinite wisdom, he flooded the world when it was filled with violence and corruption.

Once again, our world is filled with violence and corruption. God is responding with what you small-brained liberals call human-caused climate change. Yes, it is human-caused because sin has forced God to react with warming temperatures, flooding and drought.

Luckily, God spoke to me and told me to build a spaceship — a 21st-century ark if you will. As God wipes away sin from this Earth, a group of women to repopulate the earth and I will be safe from God’s punishment, as he intends.

If you donate to the cause, your lives will be lost but your soul will be saved and humanity will have a third chance.

Donald Falwell 


Oh My 5G

It’s clear this paper was sold down the river because you’ve done nothing to investigate the dangers of 5G. I know some people have been talking about the real estate impacts, FCC usurpation or CIA-implemented mind-control intent. See, the problem no one wants to talk about is the consequences of this next generation of the internet.

Because of 5G, my kids are losing their ability to reproduce. The 5G microwaves have cooked up all of their sperm and eggs. How do I know this, you may ask? Well, I had our pediatrician test them.

And that’s what the government wants. Planned Parenthood has infiltrated our government to ensure there is population control so the immigration caravan can come in to the U.S. and change our demographics.

Now, I’m not anti-immigrant or racist — I voted for President Barack Obama twice and plan to vote for Cory Booker in 2020. I only want to make sure future generations look like me.

Kate Kandinsky

Parts Unknown

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