Senate Bill Cancels Eugene Weekly 

Sen. Ron Wyden loses bet in one-on-one basketball game, forced to ‘cancel’ EW

Illustration by Chelsea Lovejoy

Deep in the bowels of the recently passed American Rescue Plan is a provision that has officially canceled Eugene Weekly.

In a phone call with EW, Sen. Ron Wyden admits that he had to push for the provision after losing a one-on-one basketball game against Sen. Tommy Tuberville. Wyden says he had just watched Damian Lillard sink a three-pointer and was inspired to “ball out” for Oregon. Lillard is known for his signature “Dame Time” gesture when he wins games at the last minute. 

“Look, ball is life,” Wyden says. “It was a tie game, and I had the chance to send Tuberville home. So as I dribbled, I pointed at my wrist and shouted out, ‘Dame Time.’” 

Unfortunately, he adds, he missed. 

Wyden played basketball in college and is known for referencing the sport to the media. 

Wyden says if he had won, every Oregonian would have gotten free tickets to Trail Blazers’ games by taxing Tuberville’s estate. “Republican senators are really hurt that Mr. Potato and Dr. Seuss got canceled,” Wyden says, “I thought I could use that against them and have the chance to really deliver for Oregon.” 

Although the estate of Dr. Seuss willingly ceased publishing of several books that aren’t even that great in the first place, Republicans vowed to retaliate because currently there aren’t enough books with pictures out there that promote casual racism. 

No one knows what’s next after being canceled — whether it’s a Purgatory-like process of repentance or if EW just disappears, like in Marvel’s Avengers: Infinity War when Thanos used the Infinity Gauntlet to make half the universe’s population disintegrate. 

But according to a recent survey, readers don’t mind that EW is canceled as long as the newspaper continues to print crossword puzzles, sudoku and enough pages to line their bird cages.