Eugene Weekly : Savage Love : 9.10.09

As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am now feeling extreme guilt and self-loathing. I was in a very long-term vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to experience anything remotely kinky, but I’ve had an interest in it.

Long story short, I answered an online personal ad, went to this guy’s house, and let him paddle me (he had a lot of spanking equipment). I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit. Now I feel just awful. It’s not the spanking itself but rather the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is just not my thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship. I honestly feel like I’ve let myself down, like I dropped my standards, and I fear I’m sliding down that slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky encounters. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those guys.” I know that sounds judgmental, but it’s how I feel and it’s killing me.

Right now I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I feel like puking all the time. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this — I’m too embarrassed. Please help put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for any sexually transmitted infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt? I swear I’m not exaggerating here, and I really do need someone to talk to about this.

Shouldn’t Want Anonymous Thrashings

There’s no way you contracted a sexually transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so just calm the fuck down, okay?

Now …

You lived a little, SWAT, you had a little sexual adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild side. And you learned something important about yourself in the process: Just having your kink indulged isn’t enough. You need your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That’s just how you’re wired. And luckily for you, there are lots of good, decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.

Don’t believe me?

You’re one of those guys, SWAT. You are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there, and you’ll meet other guys just like you.

I want a human pet. The human pet must become a dog. Once in pup mode, my pet will wear a butt-plug tail, a collar and paw mitts. My pet will not speak anything other than its assigned safe word. Its communications will be limited to barking, moaning, licking, wagging its tail, etc. The whole point is that, when done right, there is a dog shaped like a human, but the shape is the only thing that isn’t dog about my pet. The pet becomes so completely a dog that I wonder if it is bestiality to have sex with my dog/human pet.

Future Dog Lover

“Can vegans swallow?” used to be both the most annoying question and the most frequently asked question in the sex-advice business. Now it’s just the most frequently asked.

Some people consider their pets to be “members of the family,” but there’s nothing incestuous about fucking your dog. There’s something sick and wrong about it, of course, but it’s not incest. Similarly, a human pretending to be a dog is still a human, FDL, so having sex with your dog/human pet isn’t bestiality and never will be. I hope that doesn’t ruin it for you.

I’m a 19-year-old bisexual female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three months. She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at home with my VERY Catholic parents, and I’m not in a good enough financial position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I would want ample distance between us and I wouldn’t want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments, auto insurance, etc. My girlfriend and I get along great; we are having a lot of fun together, and I wouldn’t want to lose her. But she says that she can’t be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship. I just don’t know what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our relationship from my family? Or is she the total cunt?

Comfortable Living In Temporary Secrecy

She’s the cunt, CLITS, totally.

The reasons you’ve given her for not coming out to your family right this minute — fear of being retaliated against financially, fear of losing your home, fear of derailing your education — are not only legit, CLITS, they’re the only legit reasons to postpone coming out to your family. Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you and cover your tuition, she shouldn’t be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a three-month relationship.

Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin’.

Does asexuality actually exist? My partner’s younger brother claims to be asexual, but I think he’s just a maladjusted little shit and that he’s intimidated by the thought of sex. Your thoughts?

The Sister-In-Law

Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it has its own homepage — — where you can read this:

“Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.”

I’ll probably be accused of asexophobia for suggesting that asexuals who date “sexual people” are obligated to disclose their asexuality preferably on the first date and certainly no later than the third date. Asexuals may have the same emotional needs as anyone else, but most of us sexuals — heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals — expect to have our emotional and sexual needs met in our “intimate romantic relationships,” thanks, and we’re going to want to know if that’s not in the cards before we get involved, not after. Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed. And I’m still trying to wrap my head around this:

“Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be challenging …”

Um … since monogamy is understood to mean sexual exclusivity — you don’t fuck other people — I’m not sure how you define monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your asexual partner promise not to not fuck other people?

As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don’t see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you’re prying into your BIL’s sex life, TSIL, I’d say he’s not the only maladjusted little shit in the family.

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