If you haven’t already heard about the face-eating zombie in Miami, then you’re lucky. The details are gross. So I will balance out posting about that fascinating little tidbit with a little news item about UNICORNS.
Over the weekend the Miami Herald reported that right outside its building a naked man was found eating another naked man’s face. True story. They even got parts of it on security camera.
That’s right, the Miami Herald, not the Weekly World News, though rumors abound that this is the first sign of the zombie apocalypse.
I’m going to tell you right now, if you’re squeamish, skip right down to the unicorns.
There’s been a lot of speculation about just what caused Rudy Eugene to eat Ronald Poppo’s face for 18 minutes — cocaine, LSD and bath salts are all options (the cops had a theory about these things “baking” you on the inside thus leading Eugene to get naked). Bath salts apparently don’t make you smell good and relax in the tub (no, they make you eat people’s faces off) rather they are some weird form of meth, or so says the National Institures of Health, which also warns:
… these products have been reported to trigger intense cravings not unlike those experienced by methamphetamine users …
Right, intense cravings to eat someone’s face. I’m going to skip ever trying bath salts as a pick-me-up and stick with caffeine.
Gory details: The Miami Herald reports (and again, I warned you):
“He had his face eaten down to his goatee. The forehead was just bone. No nose, no mouth,” said Sgt. Armando Aguilar, president of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police. “In my opinion, he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Sgt. Javier Ortiz, vice president of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police, said it was one of the bloodiest “and goriest scenes I’ve ever been to.”
“It was not only grotesque, it was just very sad, the amount of blood. It was very sad to see what happened to this gentleman that had his face eaten,” Ortiz said.
And of course one unlucky dude happened to be cycling by:
Larry Vega was riding his bicycle off the causeway, which connects downtown Miami with Miami Beach, when he saw the attack.
“The guy was, like, tearing him to pieces with his mouth, so I told him, ‘Get off!'” Vega told Miami television station WSVN (http://bit.ly/L6kwWt). “The guy just kept eating the other guy away, like, ripping his skin.”
Vega flagged down the Miami police officer, who can be seen exiting his car on the Herald video. Vega said the officer repeatedly ordered the attacker to get off. Eugene just picked his head up and growled at the officer before continuing to maul his victim, Vega said.
The officer shot Eugene, but he just kept chewing, Vega said. The officer fired again, killing Eugene.
Now for UNICORNS.
Ok, well, I lied. It’s really politics. CNN is reporting that a group satirizing “birthers” (those folks who still insist Obama is a damn foreigner) has asked Arizona to prove Mitt Romney is not a unicorn.
Without such proof, the group Left Action argues with tongue in cheek, Romney may indeed be a unicorn — his dark mane hiding a horn — and therefore ineligible to be on the presidential ballot in November.
The group called Left Action says it has 19,000 emails already.