Here’s an apple pie “recipe” that meets the mark, and yes, this is all you get. 

Fair warning: The ingredients are your swimming pool, but technique comes from jumping in and learning to swim. You’ll figure it out, and if you don’t, there’s probably a second or third generation pie pro just waiting for you to wander in and ask.

Apple Pie for one 9-inch double-crusted pie

Filling

• 3 pounds Fuji or Gravenstein apples peeled, cored and thinly sliced 

• 1 teaspoon fresh lemon peel

• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

• 2/3 cup granulated sugar

• 1/3 cup brown sugar 

• 1/3 cup all-purpose unbleached flour 

• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, small pieces 

Dough

• 3 cups all-purpose unbleached flour (plus more for rolling out)

• 1 3/4 teaspoon salt

• 1 cup cold unsalted butter, cubed 

• 6 to 7 tablespoons ice water 

Make the dough, divide it in half, chill for 20-30 minutes.

While the dough chills, make the filling.

Assemble the damn pie. 

Cut four vents in the top crust with a paring knife, brush top with egg wash, and bake at 375° F for 30 minutes.

Reduce oven to 350°, place baking sheet on shelf below pie to catch drips, bake for another 45 minutes.

Bake until the juices are bubbling through the vents. If they aren’t bubbling, your pie will suck.

Chill to room temp before cutting.

Stand in Crane Pose. Just do it.

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